Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Dog paddling during the storm

Sometimes it's hard to find the right words to express what one is feeling.  At times, it seems like it is easier to hold them than have to explain yourself over and over.  

I have seen it around me and have felt it.  Anxiousness.  Facing a room full of new kids at the beginning of the school year, a sick child, a loved one with Alzheimers, messy house, projects due, decisions about job or school, relationships...   It all seems a little messy when you think about it, but yet it seems insignificant.  Being anxious, full of fear and doubt won't save the day, solve any problems,  cure an illness, or catch me up on my sleep. 

I've been trying to work on memorizing some scripture.  Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks, but it is really slow going.  I'm only up to my third verse in two months, but I decided to look at scripture that has to do with fear. I should have started with something simple.  My brain analyzes them, mixes them up, and it's a wonder I made it through four six years of college.  I can't even tell someone how to get to my house without using only landmarks.  I'm so thankful for GPS on my phone or I would still be driving around in a panic. I know when I am anxious I turn to Him, but I would love to be the person that turns to Him in times of calm.  He needs to always be my GPS, not just when I'm doing a doggy paddle to keep my head above the storm.  

A few years ago, I took a journey of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and the journey was very good and deep. I still continue to look for those gifts daily, though I don't track them here.  I know it is very important for me to actively look for and record them, as a reminder of His continued love and grace.  I never want to trivialize what He has done, but I'm sure He's up there, looking at my heart and life, waiting for me to finally really let go of this swirling storm.  Is that hard for you?  Do you struggle like I do?   

"yeah, so there's a whole bunch of us up right now in the dark, 
knowing things haven't really gone as planned, 
because we aren't what we would have planned, 
and we have failed and we have flailed 
and we have tasted a bit of the granular dark.
And right now in the dark, You come to us, Lord,
lift our chin so we look into You & hear all that matters:
"But all that matters?
Is that I have loved you at your darkest." (Ro.5:8)
*All that matters is that you are deeply loved
in the midst of your deepest dark.*

               Ann Voskamp

 For God has not given us a spirit of timidity,   
  but of power and love and discipline.  
2 Timothy 1:7          

                                        When I am afraid,I will put my trust in You.In God, whose word I praise,In God I have put my trust;I shall not be afraid.What can mere man do to me?   Psalm 56:3-4  New American Standard Bible

If I should say, “My foot has slipped,”Your lovingkindness, O Lord, will hold me up. When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,Your consolations delight my soul.   Psalm 94:18-19New American Standard Bible 
So for now, I will doggy paddle and know that He is holding me up when I'm emotionally and physically spent.  When the nights drag on to mornings and I stumble to bed after a few hours of reading and writing, searching...  I'm waiting for that sunrise and it will be glorious.  

1 comment:

Raine said...

I always enjoy reading your posts because they are so real and so unfiltered. You are not afraid to bare your soul, your fears and your triumphs. This reaches me so much more than you know and I often feel like we are going thru similar "journeys" when we are not even aware. The anxiousness has been an unwanted feeling for not just myself lately, but my son. God is closing doors on him, opening other doors causing his whole life path and direction to changed, not to his choosing nor his desires. Has anyone ever admitted that having faith can also be very frightening? Do those two words even go together? Does being afraid of your journey mean you lack faith? What if you believe God has better things for you but it changes your whole plan in life and being scared and disappointed make you feel disconnected. What if you feel you want more answers from the people who were involved in the changing of direction and dreams of my son's life; but my son is content with not asking questions for an explanation of their decisions that ultimately has changed his path in life? Anxious...... fear of the unknown what lies ahead even though you trust that God has a plan much better than we can design ourselves.