I have seen it around me and have felt it. Anxiousness. Facing a room full of new kids at the beginning of the school year, a sick child, a loved one with Alzheimers, messy house, projects due, decisions about job or school, relationships... It all seems a little messy when you think about it, but yet it seems insignificant. Being anxious, full of fear and doubt won't save the day, solve any problems, cure an illness, or catch me up on my sleep.
I've been trying to work on memorizing some scripture. Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks, but it is really slow going. I'm only up to my third verse in two months, but I decided to look at scripture that has to do with fear. I should have started with something simple. My brain analyzes them, mixes them up, and it's a wonder I made it through
A few years ago, I took a journey of "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and the journey was very good and deep. I still continue to look for those gifts daily, though I don't track them here. I know it is very important for me to actively look for and record them, as a reminder of His continued love and grace. I never want to trivialize what He has done, but I'm sure He's up there, looking at my heart and life, waiting for me to finally really let go of this swirling storm. Is that hard for you? Do you struggle like I do?
"yeah, so there's a whole bunch of us up right now in the dark,
knowing things haven't really gone as planned,
because we aren't what we would have planned,
and we have failed and we have flailed
and we have tasted a bit of the granular dark.
And right now in the dark, You come to us, Lord,
lift our chin so we look into You & hear all that matters:
"But all that matters?
Is that I have loved you at your darkest." (Ro.5:8)
*All that matters is that you are deeply loved
in the midst of your deepest dark.*