Friday, May 28, 2010

The voices in my head

I've been hearing voices...  Granted I can have up to five kids in my house at one time and they can get noisy, but this voice has been in my head.  Maybe I should say in my heart.

When I started this quilt I never saw that it was something I would actually benefit from.  When I'm finished with it, I will give it to Olivia, and a part of me wishes I were keeping it, but this is not to be.  I frankly can't wait to get it finished.  You see, each time I work on the quilt, I pray for Olivia, her parents, her siblings, her grandparents, her doctors, and her future teachers. I saw this as something I could do for her, but God has had other plans.

From the time I started working on God started talking to me.  See Olivia has quite a story and when her Grandma started telling it in church the morning she was born, this little niggling voice started talking to my heart.  I didn't know if I could revisit that time in life again, but I certainly could understand what her parents have been going through to a point. 

About 12 years ago, when I was pregnant with Youngest, I had this mom feeling, deep in the crevice of my heart that something wasn't right.  I don't remember having this with my other kids, and I prayed hard for Youngest.  The development of this child was something I couldn't control, but I had to leave in the hands of the Only one that did.  I remember each ultrasound - especially the one where they told us he had a perfect heart.  I think that is etched into my memory "Ah, look he has a perfect 4-chambered heart." 

God has reminded me constantly -
  • Look at the back of the quilt - it's a MESS!  That's like your heart, but if you turn it over, it changes into something beautiful.
  • I've got this pile of quilt blocks and can't figure out where to put them. When you came to Me, your life was a lot like this pile of fabric.  A bunch of rough fabric, cut into shapes with a plan of how thing are supposed to go.  I've got a plan for your life, and it may look like a mess at times, but I know how it's supposed to go.  I know the plans for your life. 
  • Ooops, that was a major mess! working to make it right, it will smooth out and turn out right
  • God, I can't get this block to connect! Remember those times when you've struggled and it seems like your world is falling apart?  I made this world! Trust Me.
  • "Grrrrr - Lord my needle broke and now my machine is making a weird noise."  Sometimes you break and you need fixing... just wait... I'm here.
  • God, Olivia's going to need lifelong care.  Guide her parents and grandparents.  Help her brother and sister... I'm here and know what I'm doing.  I've got plans for her....
  • Okay, I don't know what to do next.  I need some direction. Why don't you just ask, let me show you what direction to go.
  • God, thank you for guiding me towards a solution and finding that presser foot!  I knew where it was the whole time...
  • Father, I'm afraid to find out how many more lessons you're going to teach me through this quilt... 
  • I'm so glad that Tracy is right down the road! What a blessing she's been to advise and encourage.  Thank you for sending such a great friend and fellow mom. 
  • I know this quilt is for Olivia, but it really reminds me of when Youngest was born.  There was so much uncertainty.  We struggle now and wonder what direction is the right one with him.  Give it to me... I'll take care of it and guide you. I've got great plans for him and each one of your kids.  Just like Olivia.  She's Mine.    

I wish you could meet Olivia family.  Her mom and Grandma have awesome voices, and the whole family has such a heart for God.  I'm still working to complete the quilt - maybe have it finished before Olivia is released from the hospital... But never-the-less, I'll have plenty of time to keep praying for her and time for God to talk to me.
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1 comment:

Lorraine said...

Thanks for sharing your most precious inner thoughts.
Love you lots!