Time and Memories move in two directions

"Time moves in one direction, memory moves in another." -William Gibson

Some of my earliest memories are flashes of the late 60's and muted colors- greens, reds, a friendly Irish setter, snow (lots of snow),  a lighthouse, and a friend who wore an eye patch.

Pretty random, but all of those memories have one thing in common - my Mom.  She was the one that built a snow igloo in Boston and giggled with us as we froze, took us to the lighthouse and romped with us on the Massachusetts shoreline after exploring Plymouth and the MayFlower.  She was not afraid to be silly, take us on adventures, chew us out, or make things fun.  She worked hard to make sure we knew how to do chores, do our best in school, be responsible for our decision and actions, and learn about Jesus.  She taught me how to fly kites, fish, hunt for pheasants (yes, with a gun), make things that we couldn't afford, save for what we wanted or needed, and know that we were loved.

In 2009, we began seeing changes in Mom and eventually, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.  On October 20, 2016, my Mom changed her residence from earth to Heaven, and is forever free from the horrible disease that robbed her in so many ways.

Mom would have been so horrified to know how the Alzheimer's had left her.  I know that's why she tried to hide it so long from us.  She learned early in life to be independent, and I feel she knew something wasn't right. She knew things were changing.  She would have mourned

Momma and Sister

Missing her grandchildren getting married, and having babies of their own.

• Not being close to Sister and the closeness they shared. 
• Not being in her own home, church, and with her friends
• Taking care of "her birds" and helping others like she did. 

In the midst of all this, I knew I was losing the Mom I always had, but I didn't want others to think less of Mom or forget who she was.  I didn't want the Alzheimer's to define her or us.  It was just a final speed bump and challenge that she would experience and endure. There are a few things I am thankful for during these last few years:

• For the first time, we spent an incredible amount of time together that we normally would not have had.  It wasn't easy, but we did have some laughter, many tears, challenges, and memories.  It was a strange, but rare gift I am so thankful for.  
• Momma would not remember all the hurts, frustrations, anxiety, the health issues it presented, nor how it made her behave.  
• It brought our family closer through the challenges and gave us experiences that helped us to empathize with others walking through this journey. 

Our family has been "fortunate" that we have not experienced grief and loss, but we knew that it was coming.  With Mom, I grieved with each visit and memory that would pop up, and with her disease, there is a dual grieving time and I didn't quite understand that completely, but I live it almost daily.  

It's in the still of the night, when all other distractions of the day, are quiet, that the only thing moving is my brain.  It's then that the memories and pictures start playing in technicolor, and somehow, my brain starts adding to those memories. It doesn't matter how tightly I close my eyes or try to think of nothing, they rush at me like waves on the beach, constant, inching closer and closer, till I'm left with a restlessness that is resolved only by filling the void with quiet nighttime distractions.

I wanted to share with you what I shared with family and friends at Mom's celebration service following her death. It is about things I learned from Mom, but I wish I had added one more paragraph - what I learned from Mom about Faith and God, but my brain was attempting to put a whole life into five minutes, and I just couldn't do it. Mom would not have liked all the attention and people talking about what a great person she was.  But we did. We tried to honor Mom during her service, so Elvis, Alan Jackson, and Cat Stevens "came" to sing, and at Mom's graveside service we shot off fireworks.  Yep!  Right there in the cemetery we lit her favorite "One Bad Mother" and the 100 Missile shots. I think she would have been delighted, but she would have made sure we picked up every bit of trash because that's how she was.

Mom taught me a lot of lessons growing up.  They weren’t through lectures or even those switches I had to cut from the tree out back, but they were through daily life.  riding a bike down a dusty gravel road, learning to balance without holding on to the handle bars while clapping and singing about Peter and John healing a lame man.

“If you fall off, you get back on and don’t give up.”  This is what my mom told my 8-year-old self when my new birthday gift, a palomino, decided to bolt and I didn’t have my feet in the stirrups. When she finally caught up with us 5 blocks later, I was shaking and couldn’t wait to get off that horse… But she wouldn’t let me and made me ride that horse, with corrected stirrups, all the way home.  We later had the best memories riding our horses in the country.  She didn’t once tell me I couldn’t break or train my colt, but encouraged me to work every day, sharing what she knew from growing up on the farm, showing and checking to make sure I wasn’t missing any important steps.

Don’t quit… Mom never let me quit anything, just because it was hard or I lost interest. The first day of college was always the hardest for me, and exactly three times, I called her from the payphone, begging her to come get me and let me come back home.  She would drive over two hours to the college, help me settle in and then drive all the way back home.

Be frugal and Creative – She had many interest - wood working, crafting, taking care of wildlife birds, and taking care of others. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up, but from the time I was a baby, mom created clothing for me until the time I married.  Side-by-side, she taught me to read patterns, make short cuts, and pattern alteration. Hands on learning at it’s best!  When I was growing up, she created the cutest and fun birthday cakes that looked so professional. This only frustrated me when I attempted to do the same for my children and they ended up looking like something a child would do.

Plan and know!!!  She was a planner… She would research anything she wanted to purchase, pros and cons, or plan to do.   That is something I inherited from her.  She always knew the day of the month of the year that she would pay off any bill or save for what she needed.  Sometimes I think that may have been a curse she tossed my direction.   As the sign changer for TCC, she prided herself at not using the same saying more than once.

Life is an adventure – Have fun and laugh!   We used to play tons of games growing up, and whether it was Candy Land, Gin Rummy, or Yahtzee, she never went easy on me and let me win.  A win against her was earned!  When my brother graduated from college, she drove to Joplin to stay with me so we could go to his graduation.  The night before the ceremony, she decided she wanted to TeePee and fork his yard. It was a ton of fun to sneak over there and decorate, but a little instruction on holding on to the end of the roll when you throw it was needed.  She loved being silly, holidays with the family and making a big deal of accomplishments, small or large, but she didn’t like the focus to be on herself.

 Grandkids – She was an awesome grandma and loved seeing them when she could, creating memories and traditions as she went.  We didn’t always see eye-to-eye on how she wanted to spoil them, but she loved them like crazy.  From creating giant bubble solutions, teaching them to drive stick-shift, holding tea-parties, shooting off works, chase fire-flies, sticking a coffee packet on her nose to get the kids to laugh, listening to them play their musical instruments together, or always having waffles with homemade blueberry syrup when we stay with her.  

I would also like to share what my sweet cousin and friend, Raine, wrote,  because she shared her heart and memories from a different perspective.

Many family gatherings were spent at Aunt Betty’s.  As a young child, I was always excited to go to Niotaze to spend time with my many cousins, Aunt’s, Uncle’s and Grandparents.    Since Aunt Betty lived right across the road from my Grandparents, it was always a bonus because I would get to see Aunt Betty, Lynnet and Bryan every time I would visit my Grandparents.   After my Grandparents passed, Aunt Betty’s house became the place for all the family gatherings.    At Easter, the cousins would gather to hunt Easter eggs in her yard; a tradition that continued with the birth of her grandchildren and great nieces and nephews.    A yard that was always neatly manicured, adorned with beautiful Japanese Maple trees around her patio to the peach trees and grapevines growing on the east of her property and a large garden to the south.   

4^th of July was always spent at Aunt Betty’s – A family tradition that my children always looked forward to attending.   It seemed each year, the fireworks show be better than the year before.   Because 4^th of July was her favorite holiday, she saved money just to go shopping at Jakes in Coffeyville with her sister Jerre, my Mom,  carrying the list of which fireworks were her favorite -  A list that was created from the previous year.   You see, there was a rule we had to follow.  Us kids gradually learned the requirements it took to be able to light ANY of the fireworks with Aunt Betty’s satisfaction and for people that knew the rules, we would secretly laugh at the ones that broke the rules or were unaware of the rules.   1.) You first had to announce the name of the firework you were getting ready to light.   2) You also had to make sure she heard the name of the item that was going to be lit.  3.) You then had to make sure she had time to write it down.     THEN she would way ‘OK!  I’m ready!”    Afterwards, she would give the item a rating as to whether it was worthy of being part of next year’s fireworks show!    New comers to the gatherings, such as friends, or impatient and anxious teenagers that wanted to hurry and shoot off some fireworks, were often scolded for not announcing what was being lit and sometimes had to retrieve the already shot item and try to read the name of firework.   Words like “Wow!”  “Alright!” and even “That was a dud!  I’m marking that off the list!”  were the comments she would make! Aunt Betty was serious about her fireworks and we all were thankful to be able to share this love with her.   A love which resulted in creating memories with three generations of family.

When I was 12, I was in the hospital because I broke my leg and Aunt Betty came to sit with me.  The following year, I had my tonsils removed and because of some complications, I didn’t go home right away and again, Aunt Betty came to sit with me.  At one of the visits she cheerfully stated “I brought you something from home that is much softer than anything you have here!”  I look over to see her pulling a roll of toilet paper out of her bag!  She always had a way of making me laugh!   Always a caring heart.   

At Thanksgiving she always made her famous pumpkin pies adorned with a crust leaf in the center and a cranberry dish that was always in the same white stemmed milk glass bowl.    She always remembered our birthdays, sending a card in the mail, being there for my children’s first birthday, graduations and wedding.    Aunt Betty was a stranger to no one, always being fascinated or interested with the people around her and making them comfortable.   She worked hard for everything she had, took pride in her children and grandchildren and loved life being in the outdoors.   She will be greatly missed by many and I can imagine that when she saw Heaven the first time, she said her famous word “WOW!” 

Lynnet

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison

Re-inventing me?

"Comparison is the thief of joy."  Theodore Roosevelt

I'd like to ask a  question:  If you could see the way others see you, what do you think you would look like?  I know, what others think about us shouldn't matter, but deep down, sometimes it does.  Whether you were the kid in school that was bullied and taunted, like me, or maybe an overheard conversation, or the voice in your head that is less than positive.  I struggle with self-esteem.  When my kids were teenagers, I felt dumb - maybe they were really slipping those imaginary "stupid Pills" in my tea, I'm not sure.

Me Net, the Super mom

I have been called Supermom.  Nope, that doesn't fit me at all, though I wouldn't mind having the cool costume and Wonder Woman figure.  I watch other people's kids, but I don't work miracles. There are so many people out there that blow my mind at what they accomplish or what they know.  Yeah, I stopped using my degree a decade ago.

How I really feel & look

Sometimes I think we give the wrong impression by making sure we put our best foot forward. While I would love for everyone to believe that I've got it together and I don't screw up, but I do.  Daily.  My home or family will never be featured in a glossy magazine, and I'm great with that.  Sometimes, I wish we had fewer dust bunnies and more finished things on our do list, or we had a little more updated or cohesive look, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.  Oh, and don't even get me started on the the space that outwardly resembles a garage.  Ugh!   I've often tried to express this, but never found the right words, but this morning, I was reading a friend's blog and I think she said exactly the way I want.  So if you'll follow the link to Diary of a Quilter, you'll see that it's "not always pretty and perfect."

So this week, let's allow others to see the not so pretty and perfect and maybe, just maybe, you'll find less pressure on yourself, and more bunnies on the ceiling fan. It will be okay.   

"You can't live a positive life with a negative mind." 

Life unexpected

I was reading this blog post yesterday  by  Beth Webb Hart at Southern Belle View,  (it's lengthy) and pondered some of the unexpected events we've had in our personal lives.  

This summer, it seems like it's been one thing after another and still we're scrambling for footing in the seeming chaos.  It's strange.  Sometimes it takes months, years or even a decade before we really realize why events happened, and then sometimes, in a short summer, it all cascades like a roaring waterfall. Wave after wave leaves one gulping for relief, but seeing His reasons quickly. It's not always the road that we might have chosen, but then I think of what we would have missed out on. Our waterfalls of chaos probably really are not that bad, really. There are so many worse things going on around us, to others, so I really shouldn't complain.  I keep telling myself, it's not about me, stop focusing on myself (I'm not really good at this).   It's those times where you ask God to just "write it down in black and white" because you're I'm not good at discernment or guessing (or patience).  Once we prayed for seven months (not a horribly long time) for a particular answer, asking God to show us in black and white, and He did sixteen months later with the birth of our third child. We still shake our head in wonder when we think how many years BEFORE we even started praying about this, that He was setting things in motion. 


At the time of each event, we couldn't see how it was going to possibly work to the good, but years down the road, we were able to see how God was working through the circumstances and events to His good.  I honestly have handled some poorly and others better, but it's the one where we felt our hearts shatter, that was the hardest (at the time) for me. It took me quite a while to work through it.  A lot of questioning, shutting myself off from others - not the best moments of motherhood or wife-hood (I know, it's not really a word). If I could go back and redo a moment in time, it would be those painful years.

 

God does seem to move –sometimes - in ways we don’t expect or plan.  In ways that run contrary to our fervent prayers.  In ways that run contrary to the lives of those around us.  It’s how we react to the unexpected, and to the painful moments that determines whether or not we will accept our name on His dance card or turn our backs to his outstretched hands and sulk.

He’s awfully creative and resourceful and has been known to send  a fish to swallow someone whole in order for His will to be done, in order for his people to join Him in the good work of redeeming a lost world, in order for every living soul to have the chance to move toward His outstretched arms.

 

If we refuse to go along because it doesn’t match our vision, where does that leave us? 

Priest Henri Nouwen who lived the last years of his life in a Christian community of mentally and physically disabled people known as Daybreak in Toronto, Canada, writes this about life’s unexpected turns, especially the ones that cause us pain:

“Mourning makes us poor; it powerfully reminds us of our smallness.  But it is precisely here, in that pain or poverty or awkwardness, that the Dancer invites us to rise up and take the first steps.  For in our suffering, not apart from it, Jesus enters our sadness, takes us by the hand, pulls us gently up to stand, an invites us to dance.  We find the way to pray, as the psalmist did, ‘You have turned my mourning into dancing’ (Psalm 30:11), because at the center of our grief we find the grace of God.

As we dance, we realize that we don’t have to stay on the little spot of our grief, but can step beyond it.  We stop centering our lives on ourselves.  We pull others along with us and invite them into the larger dance.  We learn to make room for others – and the Gracious Other in our midst.  And when we become present to God and God’s people, we find our lives richer.  We come to know that all the world is our dance floor.  Our steps grow lighter because God has called out others to dance as well.”

Shakespeare said all the world’s a stage, but maybe it’s a dance floor, after all.  So let’s put on our dancing shoes, take our partner’s Almighty Hand and get twirling!

Do I have it all together now?  Hardly!  I've had many character building moments and have many more to come.  Have you had those moments that have just knocked you off your feet, wondering how in the world it would turn out for the good?  How did you handle it?  How did it turn out to be a blessing or are you still waiting for reason for the event?


** While I've not read anything by Henri Nouwen, I've added this book to my reading list.  

I love it when

I love it when Only gets all comfy on the couch, with phone and book in hand (sometimes her laptop), and calls "hey, you wanna watch a movie with me? It's a really good one!"

Tonight it was "The Blind Side," which we've seen more than a dozen times, but still cannot decide which one part is our favorite. It was good to laugh and remember, to be sad, and to learn. But must important we sat together to enjoy.  There have been times I've walked into the livingroom to see all three kids laughing and talking, watching "The Blind Side," "Remember the Titans", or "Facing the Giants".  It's not that we are huge fans of football movies, but these are tried and true favorites.

Last week, we watched "The Help" for the first time. And we cried and laughed. What matters and what I love is the time spent together and the laughs or tears... Well, those are just extras cause "You is smart... You is kind... You is important." so many lessons to be learned from that Movie. But those chocolate brownies where a HOOT!

Couple weeks ago we watched Mamma Mia again... Now that movie makes me want to get up and dance (but I don't)!  We love watching the DIY Network with all their Crasher shows (Bath, Kitchen, Yards, Room...)  What a time to dream!  It's the time we spend - that's what I love. If we pick a chick movie, the guys steer clear!!! Our time together to talk, laugh, cry, be comfy, and veg.  Love spending time with my girl. Times to treasure.

This week, we coloring each other's hair. Only will cover my gray, I'll re-highlight that which has grown out on hers.  Usually we have quite a few laughs, but it always makes me a big scared that I'll do something wrong it will turn out really weird. 

What kind of activities do you do with a specific person in your house - maybe a movie, or talking while fixing a meal, going for a soda, or just being there?

Lynnet

My blue-eyed Boy

I remember the first time I held him

When he was twelve days old...

 My finger traced the Deep angry scar on his chest

 his eyelashes swept upward.

Looking deep into those blueberry blue eyes

 I whispered and professed my eternal love

Last night, as he sat in a kitchen chair for his haircut, 

his jokes and goofiness, unique personality came through. 

As I gelled his hair and snapped his picture, 

I looked deep into those blueberry blue eyes, 

I whispered and professed my eternal love 

as tears welled and pooled, 

poised

 waiting for a opportunity to roll.

 I do love this boy, whom is poised on the edge I manhood. 

"I wuv you Mommy!" 

he proclaims
with a goofy grin

"I Like my hair."

Can I edit myself?

Last night, as I was editing Oldest senior pictures I was struck by a thought:  Wouldln't it be nice if I could edit out all my perceived imperfections.  The extra weight, zits, the chin hairs that started appearing a few years ago, gray hairs, the circles under my eyes...   If I go further, what about the cracked paint on the ceiling or the stained carpet, the pile of stuff that needs to go in the attic, the clothes still in need of folding, the papers I need to grade... I'm sure you don't want me to go on, but are you mentally or physically talking to me, adding your own list of "imperfections?

Using Picasa,  free photo editing software from Google, I can wipe away various imperfections in a matter of seconds.  What a glorious tool!!!  I can brighten, change the contrast, make a pictures black and white or even sepia, create a new blog header, or whatever I dream of doing (with in reason).  No matter what, I can change physical things on Picasa, but I can't fix the emotional or spiritual screw ups or baggage, no matter how hard I cry or worry about them.

So why do I stand with a tight fist, holding onto my "worries"?  Is it because I don't think anyone or God can work them out how I "think" they should be done? Obviously I'm not doing a great job, but when I finally do open my fist, and really allow God to take them, there is peace and it is amazing to see how He works things out and the reasons He did it the way He did.  Make sense?

This morning I was feeling more than glum about my physical appearance, but when I read what Mary wrote at In-Courage, it grabbed at my heart.  God has so many different ways that He speaks to us, and one of those is through the eyes of others and the words they've been given.  In reality, I know that people really put importance on how we look, but it sure comforting to be with a group of ladies that could care less about how I look or if my house looks lived in (we'll never be in Country Living or Southern Living), but that's okay.  What they and God care about is really what is in my heart.  Sometimes my heart is a little messy and misconstrued, but God has a way of turning this mess into something He sees as beautiful.

The LORD does not look at the things people look at.
People look at the outward appearance,
but the LORD looks at the heart.
(1 Samuel 16:7b) 

What has He been saying to you?  Has He use someone else or a different method to speak to you?

Spaghetti in my mouse already

Lunch time at our house

 I'm not sure how it happened, but there is spaghetti sauce in my mouse wheel. I'm not going to bore you with details, but each day, this is basically what our school time looks like - this happens to be lunch time.  Regardless of the time of day, there is a lot of noise  in our home with this many people, especially  with three active girls under 28 months.  It stays busy from 6:45 a.m. until a little after 4.  It's normally this abnormally crazy.  Can you imagine the diapers that I change each day?  Where is the sanity?  There isn't much. 


This morning when I pulled up my email, there it was.  Another post from Holley at Heart to Heart with Holley.  Seriously, I think she has a spy camera or bug planted in my house  or in my heart because she write about what I'm dealing with in my home and in my heart.  I've included her post at the end.   

Chocolate covered gold! 

   Just as my day was slowing down, a sweet friend showed up at my door.  A mysterious little white box in her hand - oh.... my mouth was watering as I spied the label.  I think I'm going to find a happy place, maybe my closet, and eat my fruits and veggies because it was a box of chocolate covered STRAWBERRIES from Kopper-Kettle Candies!!!  Yummo!  Melissa sure knows how to cheer up my day!

Heart to Heart with Holley: Already

It's still only the beginning of the week.

Already I've...

snapped at my husband.

felt like pulling the covers over my head.

fallen behind on my to-do list.

"It's going to be one of those weeks," I sigh.

But then I remember I have a choice.

I can live by a different list of "alreadys."

Already I can...

ask for forgiveness.

find new strength.

let God's love woo me back to joy and the center of His will.

Whew, now that's good news my heart needed today.

Anyone else?

His compassions never fail; they are new every morning. {and every week!}

Lamentations 3:22-23

I'm don't know about you, but I'm all ready for a different type of "already's" that Holley wrote about.  Oh, the spaghetti sauce?  I used a toothpick and played surgeon on the little blue mouse.  I successfully squeaked by with no causalities. What about you? 

From the heart of Holley

Have you ever read Heart to Heart with Holley?  She is the cofounder of (in)courage, writer for DaySpring, author, counselor, plus she likes chocolate.  Each day she writes from the heart, encouraging those who stop by,  and (most of the time) I think she must have a web-cam in my house or even in my heart.  This morning when I read her post I knew she was speaking right to me.  I could relate to it so much that I wanted to share what she wrote with you and maybe, just maybe, she wrote it with you in mind as well. 

It really can be a good week

A new week is beginning, full of possibilities.
Can it be a good one?
My mind races ahead to all there is to do, everything that might happen.
Worry nips at my heels.
But then I remember...
There is One who has already gone before me.
It's His footsteps I can follow.
And what is the way He has for me?
Mercy.
Love.
Grace.
JOY.
He takes my heart by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Daughter, it's going to be a good week."
And I know He doesn't mean the kind of "good" that's getting what I want and life being easy. Oh, it's much deeper, wilder, beyond my understanding than that. This "good" is about His love, eternity, who He is no matter what. It's even more solid and certain than the ground beneath my feet.
Yes, I believe it's going to be a good week after all.
And I'm finally ready to step into the day.

Are you with me?
You have made known to me the path of life; You fill me with joy in Your presence. Psalm 16:11

 

Remembering...

I glanced down the grocery aisle and saw them.   Their backs were to me, but they looked like an ordinary couple in the baby aisle. Heads bent together, comparing bottles, glancing at their watches - in a hurry.  I was too.

Bethany and CW

Our carts nearly collided as our eyes met and I knew her, an old friend.  Our kids used to play together as we spent time at each other's homes.  She was always great at pinching pennies and just a great practical mom.  Sadness rested in her eyes, though a smile was on her lips.  I wanted to give her a hug and hold her, because I knew her  and her story, though not because it was in the news. Sadness rested on my heart as her familiar greeting reached my ears "Hey Lynnet!  Good to see you!" peppered with a thick Indiana accent.

We talked a while about their toddler grandson  and some of his struggles to gain weight and find the right foods and taking him for GI test at ARCH. I didn't want to say the wrong thing and bring her more pain. I asked about her college age son, who is just a year older than Oldest.  They were playmates in the church nursery and even went to HS together - friends on FB.  She said he was doing okay and thinking of changing his major to law.  That should not have been a surprise.

I push my cart to the middle of the aisle, out of the way of the floor cleaner, and settle in for a long chat.  Hurrying home seems so trivial now, but yet our conversation made me want to rush home and hug my kids. Even now as I write, it is difficult - remembering, my heart breaks. The hurt was still raw. Remembering, makes the gifts more precious...

September 18, 2010  
Today is a day that we should be celebrating Youngest's 12th birthday.  A day to celebrate the miracle that God performed yet 9 months before he was born, forming that beating heart.  Celebrating the amazing hand of God as He worked through the surgeons, Life Flight helicopter attendants, nurses, and family and friends as we prayed...

How is it possible that, while we should be celebrating, we were actually mourning the loss of a young lady, her family still numb from the tragic and horrifying events. The car-lined streets and parking lot of the church made navigating difficult. We ontered the small packed church, scanning for seats near friends.  The TV station was already setting up discreetly at back of the church, ignored by most. Whispered conversations floated through the hushed worship center.  My eyes wandered to the table up front where her family had displayed pictures of her short life, a video replays, her favorite country songs cut through the air.  We laugh at some of her choices and toes tap.  The mood lightens momentarily, until their minister step to the front.

One by one, memory by memory, photo after photo, salty tears pool and fall.  None are hidden. Grief, and sorrow blend, there is no division of race or stature. Peace and answers elude us.  Emotions crash likes waves on a reef. Sharp, cutting the soul.  I fight to keep my grief from escaping my throat. 

Her momma, Bethany, makes her way to the front, following the memories from her two remaining children. It all seems unreal.  Funny memories are recalled, laughter titters, her momma seems in a fog, memories cloud over the pain, but her smile doesn't quite make it to her eyes.  She looks at
no one, but rather at a place in her heart - a swing sets, silly songs, dress-ups, sweet baby smells, siblings silliness, teenage life.  It all meshes together in one moment in time - a memorial service for her murdered daughter, Briana. 

My phone vibrates and I turn back to my forgotten cart.  It's Only wanting to know when I'm coming home.  I cannot believe I've been standing there talking with them for over an hour. Our carts clank as we attempt to turn them,  Bethany and I hug - holding tight.  We have lived day to day, laughed, played in the snow, slept comfortably in our beds, dreamed, When you stop to think about it, our lives have gone on. But they have not.  They live each day and night listening still for Briana - out of habit. Their lives are on hold as they go to counseling, work their jobs, learn to live, and endure a long wait for justice.

"Some people say really dumb and hurtful things.  It's only been 6 months and it will take us years to heal. We'll forgive, but we can't just forget."  It's a different hurt and loss from a miscarriage or losing a parent, which she has both experienced.

You really never think it will happen to someone you really know.  It will always be someone else right?

Something Possitive

Monday   Does that word bring you dread or anticipation?  What is it about that word that makes us groan? 


I knew the day would be frantic or at least terribly busy.  Disregard the fact that it was Monday, but I had a new little one, a 7 month old chubby baby, joining our crew.  I wasn't sure how it was going to work with The Princess, homeschooling, and everything...

But when my eyes popped open at 5:45 (argh!  45 minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off) my first thought was "Lord, please help me find something positive in this day."

Let me tell you how God wrangled my day!

The Princess arrived 20 minutes later, which allowed me to clean up the mess in the kitchen from the weekend. Only got up early and I was able to vacuum before everyone arrived (hate to do it while she's sleeping), and start a load of clothes.  I think they are still there.

Both girls took a nap at the exact same time and we were able to get our science experiment on Chemical Reaction completed with little interruptions and much fun!  Who knew you could have so much fun with cabbage, vinegar, and balloons! Fixed dinner during lunch, so I was feeling pretty good at that point, if we could just get through school with no tears. 

 Whew!  Made it till 4 p.m.  Time to relax... No wait - the student I tutor just pulled into the driveway... After that, a quick dinner and then Boy Scout meeting in town... 

What was the blessing in the day?  The girls napped AND later had dirty diapers at the same time, the science experiment actually turned out the way it was supposed to, Only (she's my right hand girl and knows what needs to be done without being asked), a short meeting, glorious rain to soothe our dry area, and a short meeting.  I'm so thankful that God turned a day I dreaded into something to enjoy.  It may take us a while to get our schedules in sync.

Tuesday?  I was nothing like yesterday and it was a struggle from the beginning, but I'm looking for the positive. The "work" day is almost over and we completed all of our school work.  I got to see Honey at lunch, and I have been blessed to be able to stay at home while my kids are school age.  I love it when all my kids are home, hearing the laughter around the dinner table, the kidding, the interaction... I love seeing the excitement of Oldest joke around with Youngest while they clean up after dinner, seeing Honey smile, and believe it or not I love to see him tinker in the garage because that's what he loves to do.  It doesn't look like much fun to me, but it's his kind of relaxing. 

Today?  Got bran and banana muffins made for tonight's home group, am part way through school, schedules are way off and I'm not sure where Youngest has wandered off to. The Princess is croupy and grumpy, the cat threw up on the floor but has stopped peeing in the dog food (we think it's because of a UTI and not rebellion), it's raining again (we could use that) and the dog is ready for the padded cell because it's lightening and thundering and she's  a scardy dog... life will go on and I'm looking for the positive on another day in paradise.   The difference between Monday & today from yesterday - I didn't start my day talking to Him.  I knew better, but let the craziness of the morning take hold.  While not every day will be great, but it sure is better when I give it to Him... and you know what?  Just because I do give my day to Him, it may still be crazy... but how am I going to let it define me and how I handle it?

For He will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble.   Psalm 27:5

Keli from Internet Cafe Devotions stated:

  "I hear Jesus whispering in my ear, “Abide in me. Don’t let your circumstances define you or expect them to nurture you. Don’t sit back and hope the rains will come. Set your roots deep into me. Listen to me, follow me, love me. When you do, I promise you’ll not only survive, but you’ll thrive. When you’re…

…filled with sorrow, rest in me.

…overcome with worry, trust in me.

…drowning in despair, follow me.

…thirsting for a fresh word, listen to me.

…dabbling with doubt, obey me.

…a swirl with apathy, seek me.”

 I guess what I'm so slow about it realizing I need to bloom where He has planted me.  Some people are missionaries in foreign countries, people are talented and gifted leaders, artists, businessmen/women, sanitation workers, photographers, teachers, and more.  Me?  I'm learning to love where He put me, in a place that I prayed for when I was young, with my own mission field of kids being brought to me in the form of babysitting and tutoring.

Heart Update

Yesterday was a long day.  Our visit at ARCH took much longer than anticipated, as we were there from 10:15-2:30.  Our stomachs were really growling when we finally left!

ARCH is a internationally known hospital of excellence. Their caring staff extends not only to the doctors and nurses, but way down to the office staff and cafeteria workers, they can all become like family once you've been there for a while. When we were there initially, we met people from literally all over the world, and found a common thread - a love for our kids. There are people there that pray for your kids, love them when you can't be with them, a group of ladies that make knitted hat (noggins) and blankets for the kids,

We were blessed yesterday by meeting with a wonderful lady in financial aid who went through some options we might have and assisted in filling out paperwork.  Because of his heart surgery almost 12 years ago, Youngest has not able to get health insurance, which, for the most part, has not been too bad except for well check-ups.  God has provided this child with very good health and little cause for doctor visits, but even so, his bill usually runs a good $3000, which they let us pay over a period of 2 years - just in time to return for another check-up!  

I was thankful to learn that he is gaining back the 8 lbs that he lost while on Vyvance (for ADHD).

While getting his EKG, the technician noticed the shaped colorful bands on his wrist and immediately took hers off and they struck up a fast deal on trading a car for 1/2 of her pink/blue heart (he chose the blue half of the heart as I knew he would). He thought it was so cool that she wanted to trade with him.

It took a bit longer of a wait for the echocardiogram.  Only and J, who made the trip with me to help me drive, had been hanging out downstairs in the coffee shop area, but people watching at ARCH isn't near as fun as it is in the airport.  I was thrilled when the technician invited the girls to join us and watch and they were fascinated with the process.  She took time to show us different parts of his heart, explain about the blood flow, and functions.  She also explained that as kids get older certain part of the heart are more difficult to see, even for an echo, so she brought in a cardiologist and they worked to view a vital part of his heart they needed to see for his check-up.  
  Finally we were able to visit with Dr. Frazier, his Cardiologist, who was extremely pleased with the results from test done and said his heart looked and sounded fantastic! His heart continued to function normally, showing no stress  or narrowing during periods of growth (which is something that could happen with his particular defect). He still has the heart murmur he got from a life-saving procedure done the night of his birth, but it is near as normal as it can be. He's free to do normal activities that a kid his age would do!  What an answer to prayer!

We couldn't leave without our annual visit to CVICU on the 4th floor, which is where we spent all our time following his birth and surgery.  Each year, after his checkup, I take him up to the floor in hopes to see a few of the nurses that cared for him while he was there.  The last  visit we were so blessed to find Sue and "formally" introduce Connor to her 10 years later. The nurses up there are thrilled to see a former patient that is doing so well - it is an encouragement to them.

Sue has a special story about how she came to ARCH.  Over 20 some years ago, she was a mom and nurse living in England, but her daughter was born with a heart defect.  The only two place in the world she could have an operation to correct it was there in London or some little town in the middle of the US, at a place called ARCH.  Knowing it's reputation, even back then, she traveled here, and has not looked back.  She has earned the nickname of "The Boss".

We were so hungry when we got out that I told the kids to be looking for a place to eat while I navigated the heavy traffic.  While sitting at a traffic light we all noticed a sign "Tattoo and Arts Festival..." We joked about taking in the local culture, but I was afraid it would scar all of them, myself included, so we settled on Macaroni Grill and TCBY for dessert.  Yummo!

Thank you so much for all your prayers and calls.  We've been doubly blessed this week!

Heart check up for Youngest

We have finally made it to Little Rock for Youngest's cardiology check. I can't believe it has been 2 years since his last visit and almost 12 years since his arrival and open heart surgery.

Last visit, we had an outstanding checkup and he was able to actually meet several of his nurses and see where he was cared for before and after his surgery. We hope to do that again.

I used to have small panic attacks when we approached the hospital, the first few years following his surgery. It has been years since that has happened and now I approach with gladness.

I look forward, with anticipation, to seeing how his repair for Transposition of the Great Arteries has held up and visit with Dr. Frazier, his cardiologist. Time seemed to passed quickly, but we never want to forget how he started, the hundreds of prayers on his behalf, and the awesome healing hand of God!
One thing about being here- there is always someone worse off than you that needs prayer and healing. So thankful for the dedicated staff of nurses, doctors and surgeons!

Will try to post an update later - maybe with some pictures.
Love,
Lynnet

The voices in my head

I've been hearing voices...  Granted I can have up to five kids in my house at one time and they can get noisy, but this voice has been in my head.  Maybe I should say in my heart.

When I started this quilt I never saw that it was something I would actually benefit from.  When I'm finished with it, I will give it to Olivia, and a part of me wishes I were keeping it, but this is not to be.  I frankly can't wait to get it finished.  You see, each time I work on the quilt, I pray for Olivia, her parents, her siblings, her grandparents, her doctors, and her future teachers. I saw this as something I could do for her, but God has had other plans.

From the time I started working on God started talking to me.  See Olivia has quite a story and when her Grandma started telling it in church the morning she was born, this little niggling voice started talking to my heart.  I didn't know if I could revisit that time in life again, but I certainly could understand what her parents have been going through to a point. 

About 12 years ago, when I was pregnant with Youngest, I had this mom feeling, deep in the crevice of my heart that something wasn't right.  I don't remember having this with my other kids, and I prayed hard for Youngest.  The development of this child was something I couldn't control, but I had to leave in the hands of the Only one that did.  I remember each ultrasound - especially the one where they told us he had a perfect heart.  I think that is etched into my memory "Ah, look he has a perfect 4-chambered heart." 

God has reminded me constantly -

• Look at the back of the quilt - it's a MESS!  That's like your heart, but if you turn it over, it changes into something beautiful.
• I've got this pile of quilt blocks and can't figure out where to put them. When you came to Me, your life was a lot like this pile of fabric.  A bunch of rough fabric, cut into shapes with a plan of how thing are supposed to go.  I've got a plan for your life, and it may look like a mess at times, but I know how it's supposed to go.  I know the plans for your life. 
• Ooops, that was a major mess! working to make it right, it will smooth out and turn out right
• God, I can't get this block to connect! Remember those times when you've struggled and it seems like your world is falling apart?  I made this world! Trust Me.
• "Grrrrr - Lord my needle broke and now my machine is making a weird noise."  Sometimes you break and you need fixing... just wait... I'm here.
• God, Olivia's going to need lifelong care.  Guide her parents and grandparents.  Help her brother and sister... I'm here and know what I'm doing.  I've got plans for her....
• Okay, I don't know what to do next.  I need some direction. Why don't you just ask, let me show you what direction to go.
• God, thank you for guiding me towards a solution and finding that presser foot!  I knew where it was the whole time...
• Father, I'm afraid to find out how many more lessons you're going to teach me through this quilt... 
• I'm so glad that Tracy is right down the road! What a blessing she's been to advise and encourage.  Thank you for sending such a great friend and fellow mom. 
• I know this quilt is for Olivia, but it really reminds me of when Youngest was born.  There was so much uncertainty.  We struggle now and wonder what direction is the right one with him.  Give it to me... I'll take care of it and guide you. I've got great plans for him and each one of your kids.  Just like Olivia.  She's Mine.    

I wish you could meet Olivia family.  Her mom and Grandma have awesome voices, and the whole family has such a heart for God.  I'm still working to complete the quilt - maybe have it finished before Olivia is released from the hospital... But never-the-less, I'll have plenty of time to keep praying for her and time for God to talk to me.

A New Day

I think there are a lot of people praying for us.  It was a fabulously beautiful day for us yesterday.  We've had much laughter at with The Princess and we even did school!

• The Princess used the potty THREE times (even the littlest things are cause for celebration),
• we laughed at her (and my) silly dancing to Days of Elijah after lunch
• I explored blogs while Youngest was doing math problems and English (I'm shameless) and found a few new ones I enjoyed and revisited a few I had not in the last two weeks.  Here is one from a fabulously creative Momma that I love dearly and some beautiful purses she recently made.
•  Where a Second Glance Makes all the Difference
• Last night was Girl's Night Out at Sweet Bay Coffee Co. while Honey took the kids to a Skillet concert. 
• Youngest had a great day with minimal tears and better concentration. 

Last night was a wonderful time with the Girls.  I so much appreciate these Sisterchicks so much because when we are together there is an allowance of being real, honest, crying, sharing, laughing, venting, and accepting of the vast differences and backgrounds, experiences, and roads we've been on. I just love these ladies and the feeling of being at ease when we're all together. 

Whew! There is a lot going on this week with just our family.  

• Oldest is on a summer job interview at this moment.  My heart made a huge leap in my chest when I saw when walk out the door all dressed up for this.  
• Oldest will go on his FIRST date this Saturday and to his first Prom as well... Thankfully, she is a girl we know well, love her and her family, AND go to church with them!  We've never pushed dating or stuff or made a big deal about it, but a few rules reside in our home: No dating until 16, must go in groups, and have fun. So Oldest has been working hard to secure his own tux, the fitting, the corsage (or a "wristlet" as it called it), and finding someone fun to double date with.  He finally asked his best friend (who happens to be from a rival school) to hang with them while driving to and from.  It's honestly been a little sticky around our house because Oldest's date is one of Only's best friends and Oldest neglected to tell us or Only that he had asked her out.  Still praying on this one... 
• Only now has her drivers permit, but Honey has been doing the ride-along stuff.  
• It's Mother's Day weekend... It's a REALLY long story, but I've never liked, always disliked this day, and even dreaded it.  It always falls on or extremely close to my birthday (10th) and it has always been a difficult day for me.  Knowing this, I was surprised when this flower arrangement arrived today from Honey, but thankful that he's not given up trying.  God has been really working on my heart this last week about Mother's Day... Even now as I write about it, it is hard and I'm ready to cry and just pitch it all.  
• The Sunday before last we attended the vow renewal of some really dear friends, celebrating their 22nd Anniversary. Their two little boys giggling from the pews as their parents "sealed their vows with a kiss" and family looking on.  Later that week, as the kids and I were in the kitchen after school was done, it was brought up that Honey and I should renew ours since it will be our 20th in June... I told them I had no time to plan something like that, so they countered we should do it for our 25th.  I told them they wouldn't be around at that time (I'm thinking they will be in college or something).  The boy I tutor said he wanted to be the "best man", to which Oldest put his arm around my shoulder and said "Mommy, I'll walk you down the aisle!"   I just wanted to sit down and cry because no one had ever offered to do that before (another long and painful story) and now Oldest and Youngest were fighting who was going to do it... What a deep effect this has had on me... *sigh*
• On the lighter side, I had 4 inches chopped off my thick straight hair and my dear hairstyles even did a quick color my gray for me yesterday... I felt like a new woman... Now if I can just style it to look half like she did for my driver's license picture tomorrow that I have to renew! 
  
  Thank you so much for stopping by, wading through this post and just "listening!"

I'd rather be...

Today

- this week -

I

feel

weary

cruddy

muffin top

lazy

sore throat

finally got a shower

nap is calling

I don't want to do school

I just want to

sew

read

blog

play

sleep

snuggle

laugh

spend time with the kids

go on a date with Honey

get a full nights sleep

I need to be me

just me

Living with a Princess promotes healing

I cannot believe it has almost been a whole year since Princess Izzy (Isabella) came to stay with us each weekday as her parents go out to teach.  We have been blessed beyond words at having her in our home.  I think we have laughed more, baby babbled, taken more pictures, and look forward to the mornings more than we have in years! 

After more than 9 years of being out of the baby stage, we now are baby proofing, tripping over the toys, washing bibs, have dirty diapers in the trash, a car seat occupies the middle back seat, sippy cups, baby spoons, and baby wipes. I have missed the baby stage!

You see, after we had Youngest, we found we couldn't have any more children. It was a struggle to know why, but God had His plans in motion, and since then we have seen how He worked out His plans...

So if you come to my house and see baby toys scattered, wipe container on the couch and if there is an unpleasant odor of the most horrible diaper emitting from the bath trash, please don't think that I'm a horrible housekeeper. Okay, so I don't dust each week, but the trash is emptied each day and I vacuum twice a week. I like to think these are reminders of a beautiful little girl, we call The Princess, that has taken hold of our hearts and been the biggest blessing.  We love seeing the new things she is learning, her sweet silly smile, her little finger wagging "no,no,no", and those sweet hugs.  Sure she gets grumpy, but that is something we can live with.  My kids are learning about babies, making silly faces, waving bye-bye, and loving greatly.  I love hearing her refer to my kids as Bubba and Sissy, teaching her new signs (American Sign language) and everything she sees is CAT, CAT! Just this morning, as her daddy was dropping her off, I enveloped her in a gentle hug and breathed in that sweet baby smell... Ah, yes!  He has turned my mourning into dancing!

Psalms 30:11-12 You did it: you changed wild
lament into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough. (The Message)