Flash of a smile

I was struck by a moment
As I watched her rush around
Heading to her college classes
for the day

Grabbing a cup of coffee
Backpack
Kissing Miss "I"
Patting Youngest on the head
Getting a hug from Miss C

She paused at the door
And flashed a smile...

And I was amazed
At this beautiful girl
That God placed in our lives

And I am thankful

Outta control

If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless. (James 1:26 NASB)

And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. (James 3:6 NASB)

Paint brush in hand, I sat in the minuscule space behind our fridge and God spoke to me about my speech and heart problem. I'd rather have had Him miraculously solved our impromptu kitchen renovation, but fixing my heart is the immediate need.

Momma Hume had stopped by earlier with Miss I and was telling me about the Father's Day sermon, "A Father's Challenge", given that morning by their minister. She summarized that we would not speak (or treat) to our co-workers, boss, friends as we do our children. They bear the brunt of our harsh words, frustration, anger, and other negative words and actions.  Ouch!   The Momma also gave valuable insight that really helped to open my eyes to this... Oh, this has not been fun.

The last two months I know my negative thoughts and words have over taken my heart, spilled over into my everyday life, and I don't like who I've slowly morphed into. I found myself becoming more angry and bitter towards my boys for their lack of participation or the increased level of reminders (aka nagging) to get them to do anything. I lost focus on what is really important and allowed Satan I get a foothold in my life. It threw everything outta whack! You really don't want or need to know my frustrations, I'm sure.  I have sobbed, ranted, stood silent, and given "the Look" to those I love the most, wounding them in the process.  I can see when I start in on them, they shut down, enduring and wanting to run out of the room.   I have pierced their hearts with my unbridled tongue.

When people talk about our kids, we always hear what great kids they are, sometimes that frustrates us.  I need to remember they are kids who are growing, learning, having new experiences and that is normal. They are learning about responsibility and still have a ways to go, but shoot! Why do I think my kids need to have it together when I don't or ever will the way I'm expecting them to! If I don't set about to be an example of how to encourage and even admonish in a more positive way, my kids will only know how to use fiery speech to tear others down.  Not exactly the legacy I want to leave or be known for.  I feel I've lost my joy and I'm definitely not a joy to be around.

Can you help me or join me? If you think about it, ask me how I'm doing.  Don't let me slide by.  Just  today in my inbox, the morning devotion from MOB Society (Moms of Boys) came through and it was JUST what I needed.  I know God sent it my way. If you have time, take time to visit and read I Mostly Pray for Help.  Oh, and guess what I also got in my inbox - yet another email from God:  What Goes Through My Head After Yelling at My Kids.



Lynnet

Don't Worry, Be Happy? NOT!

I'm just not ready!  If I close my eyes and stomp my foot, refuse to look at the calendar or lock the front door I wonder if that will put it off?  What if I refuse to acknowledge it?  Yes, I know nothing I can do will delay it. 

Monday I picked up Oldest schedule for his Senior year. I've dreaded it, though I know he is looking forward to it.  I'm not sure how it happened, but that sweet little boy we brought home from the hospital has grown so quickly, and I wasn't ready.  I wonder if we really ever are, but it happens.

I know, it's a part of life and I also know that others have been down this road.  But this is a part of the road that I've not been on before, and somehow, this part of the journey seems so different than the roads we've been on before. I have worries - yes, things I've not given to God to handle.  Somehow, I stand before him with my fist squeezed tightly - He is there before me with His hand out - open.  Waiting for me to release it to Him...

Okay, just so you know, I'm not falling down depressed or anything, just a little sad I guess.  I'm so unprepared for school this year.  I have yet to set Only's classes up, though Youngest is pretty well done.  I'm not sure why I can't seem to get it together this year, and I'm not too happy about it either!  I'm usually more pulled together - organized, but not this year!   I feel like I have a mound of unfinished projects... I need a little direction somewhere... I think I need some quiet time.

Matthew 6:27
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?

I'm not ready, but yet they will...

I stood in the living room, waving a Santoku knife that I was using to cut up carrots, talking to my kids and suddenly noticed that Oldest was not sitting in his usual spot in the recliner.  Instead he had settled on the couch (that seems to swallow everyone) next to "J"... my brain did a little karate kick to my heart... They were all watching a show on TV and everyone had their phone or iTouch out... Oldest sat there with a sheepish grin "Uh, Mom, can you put the knife down?"

"Sure! Just as soon as you scoot over and put a little space right there," I shot back, pointing with the knife to the small space between them.  I know that "J" was there first, so the crime began with him...

The last few days have been an eye opener... and I'm not ready for that phase of life yet.  At least I don't think I am.  I think sometimes, that my mind tries to tell me that I'm just to young to have teenagers.  I mean I don't feel THAT old, but I've watched these children that God has given us go from helpless infants to car-driving teens!  I'm not sure when it happened, but I'm pretty sure it was when I blinked my eyes!  It reminds me of several songs I've heard on the radio:  Then They Do and You're Gonna Miss This by Trace Adkins.

When I had my first two, they were exactly 13 months apart in age.  I think I was so busy when my kids were little - in diapers, toddlers - just holding onto the moment, trying to make it to the next moment and even the next day. There is a saying about how pointless it is to shovel snow during a blizzard... it goes the same for picking up toys with you have little ones.

Somehow, in the blink of an eye, they grew up.  To me that is really sad because I wish I could have more of those younger years.  Granted they were not easy at all, but if I could go back in time, it would be to those years...

Now, I have a 17 yr. old who has a summer job, is getting ready for his Senior year,been driving for close to 2 years, has his eye on a sweet girl that we love ("J") , and is making choices that we prayed for years that he would... possibly youth ministry or animal science (I tend to think they are both in the same category).  I love when he comes into the kitchen and wraps those long arms around me in a hug, and it makes me catch my breath because, at one time, I used to wrap my arms around him and rock him on my lap. It used to be that I would find little toy soldiers, squirt guns, and toys in the tub and candy wrappers hidden under his pillow... Now, the toys have been replaced by manly smelling body wash and after-shave, and the candy wrappers - I believe they're still there.

When he was little, I imagined him heavily involved in sports - he lived to play baseball and basketball, and is often out there late at night shooting hoops in the driveway. But when he saw how some of the boys that he grew up with, acted and the reputation they had, he (alone) made the decision to stop playing. It about broke our hearts, but were proud of him for the choices he made.  He now plays basketball twice a week with some guys and during church camp two weeks ago, he was given a $1000 scholarship to a Christian College in TX.  That just made my heart sing!!!  Okay, it's not the money, because we know this won't go far, but the fact that he's considering a Christian college.  YES!


The choices he made to stay faithful to God, has not come without struggles and questions... when four members in HS band (he has played trumpet since third grade) suffered the loss of a parent and one student took his own life.  There was a time we were very scared and were uncertain how Oldest was going to come through this, as three of them were very good friends of his, and he was actually in the room when "Allie's" dad passed away.  There were days I just wanted to scream because he was so withdrawn. We were desperate for help and we're so thankful for his best friend, discipleship group, and our youth minister for sticking in there, for all the prayers of friends and family.  He has such a passion and heart for others, that we want to see that grow, develop, and that he will be the Child that God is calling him to be.

I really regret telling my kids, in the heat of the moment, to "grow up" because they did and will.  I know that this is what we were meant to do, have kids, guide them, and pray... they grow up... and I'm okay... because I know that He is in his heart, and God has great plans for this child that God has given to us.  He has been a blessing and I'm so thankful to have been his mom and experience life with him...

Love You Forever

When my kids were little, babies to even early elementary age, I loved rocking them. Their warm little bodies snuggling against mine, finding that comfy place in the day where little else mattered, but that moment. Most times you could find me singing softly to them - sometimes I would sing something made up on the spur of the moment - rhyming whatever came into my brain, but there are a few songs (past "Jesus loves you") that I used almost daily: "Tell me why", "You are my Sunshine," and "Love you forever" . "Mommy sing the special songs" would always bring those three melding into each other. Sometimes the kids would sing along or finish a line for me if I hesitated, but those were our songs. Even now, at this moment Youngest wandered in to give me a kiss and I let him listen to the author Robert Munsch sing the chorus and his face broke out in a cute smile of recognition "Hey I remember that song!!! You used to sing that to me!" One of my favorite lines in the book was "Sometimes his mother would say, "this kid is driving me CRAZY!" My kids are getting big now and they don't fit on my lap near as well as they used to. Their feet touch the floor and just them sitting on my lap can make my legs feel like they are falling off and be rendered useless; but on a rare occasion, when Youngest is sitting on my lap, it's late at night and all is quiet except the creaking of the recliner, you might just hear a whispered song meant breaking the stillness... ******************** I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be. **********************

Tell me why the ivy twines, Tell me why the stars do shine, Tell me why the sky’s so blue, And I will tell you just why I love you.

Because God made the ivy twine Because God made the stars to shine, Because God made the sky so blue, Because God made you, that’s why I love you.

Will this be The Last Time

As my youngest crawled onto my lap

I was reminded of "Will this be the last time"

He didn't fit on my lap very well.

Legs were hanging near to the ground.

When did he get to be this big.

It's funny -

I've always seen him as my "baby"

But he's almost 10

He doesn't quite fit on my lap anymore.

I'm not sure when it happened.

I remember those night of all night rocking,

holding, nursing, comforting, singing...

His breathing evens out

falling into rhythmic breaths

I hold my breath and shift,

and feel his arm relax.

He melds against me

snuggling on my lap

Will this be the last time?

Those sweet toes I used to kiss

are a tad size bigger and dirtier,

Those sweet rosy cheeks

now have dirt smudges from last night playing outside.

That scar on his chest,

a reminder of God's saving grace

is smaller, oh so much smaller.

That baby fine hair

now wildly sticking up

"I like it that way" he claims.

Gone are the cute baby outfits

replaced by mismatched short and t-shirts.

His body jerks in his sleep,

his blue-berry eyes open sleepily

Will this be the last time?

He slides from my lap

reaching for his Indy hat

placing it on his head with practiced habit

he nods at me and mumbles

"Thank you Momma"

as he kisses my cheek,

he walks out of the room

Will this be the last time?