Monday, February 24, 2014

Heavy heart

Can I be honest?  I've been struggling for more than a yr. with this, and it's not like I didn't know this was coming, and there are days that I feel so very guilty about feeling inadequate about dealing with this.  This is a first for our family. It seems like there is someone you know that is going through it, but then it happens and suddenly, it happening to you and it's personal. Seems like whatever you are going through, it is now your crisis, your life, your stress, and your time to learn about new  unfamiliar and experiences.  Suddenly, it consumes you - learning, living, loving, losing.

Our family has been through a few events that have challenged us, our faith, and pushed the boundaries.  I'll not make excuses, this rises to the top of those, unequal and equal, strangely in it's own way with the physical and mental tension/strain daily. I'm not sure how cancer, stroke, sudden death, miscarriage, unfaithfulness, losing a parent, moving, or winning the lottery effect the dynamics of a family.  We just know what we've experienced.  Sometimes I feel it consumes us and it scares me.  There are days that I want to have things "normal" - normal marriage, kids, faith, stress, friendships, jobs, evenings, meals... Honey and I would love to go on a date where it's not the whole focus of our conversations or the purpose we are getting out of the house.  Comfortable.  Comfortable doesn't stretch or help us grow, learn, or have the chance to change who we are or how we feel. It makes me uncomfortable with what I see in myself.  It reminds me at times of a childhood experience where I almost drowned - clawing to find my way to the surface, fighting, gasping...  Other times, it reminds me of the joy of watching a young child discover new things and experiences. 

Our family has experienced grace, love, beautiful encouragement and support in many forms.  Thankfully, it takes more than blood to make a family - and we have been surrounded by such a family,  and sometimes God places those we are blood related to, so closely in our lives that are are more like a sibling that have worked beside us in this. God constantly is there.  We know He has never left us and never will.  He knew about this far before we ever were and He knows... He knows when I'm angry, sad, totally overwhelmed, had a good day or felt like I've done battle all day.  He knows when I feel like I can do this or I just want to run away and it's only 9 a.m. and no amount of McDonald's sweet tea will help.  It's what I crave when I feel like detaching and things are out of control. 

I'm really sad about the effect it has on our family dynamics and that our kids are experiencing this first hand. I know this is only a season and we will survive, with much support and love.  Many are praying and ask what they can do, and we honestly don't know.  We are learning as we go.  Wisdom, direction, peace, unity, love, grace, strength, focus, humor...

God, thank you for going before us. Surprise us, and help us to look daily for You.  We can't do this alone


the momma said...

{hugs} sweet friend. I'm sorry.
You WILL come out on the other side of this. Stronger. Gentler. More broken. More whole. I love you.

Angelia said...

I love your blog, and thank you for this post and for having the courage to share, not many would. We tend to think everyone else's life is so Facebook perfect and we fall way short, and fail daily. You are blessed to have people love and support you. Thank you,

Raine said...

I love you! We pray for you daily. I know you know that we love you. You know the old saying "God will never give you more than you can handle." Well, I totaly disagree! Does this surprise you of me? Let me explain. I used to think that way until a year ago. He often gives us much more than we can handle so we have to, need to, want to, reach out and up to Him. Whether He is testing our faith or causing us to test each other, I don't know. Thank you for sharing your most inner thoughts and feelings. You are beautiful.

Love you more! Cousin Raine