Heavy heart

Can I be honest?  I've been struggling for more than a yr. with this, and it's not like I didn't know this was coming, and there are days that I feel so very guilty about feeling inadequate about dealing with this.  This is a first for our family. It seems like there is someone you know that is going through it, but then it happens and suddenly, it happening to you and it's personal. Seems like whatever you are going through, it is now your crisis, your life, your stress, and your time to learn about new  unfamiliar and experiences.  Suddenly, it consumes you - learning, living, loving, losing.

Our family has been through a few events that have challenged us, our faith, and pushed the boundaries.  I'll not make excuses, this rises to the top of those, unequal and equal, strangely in it's own way with the physical and mental tension/strain daily. I'm not sure how cancer, stroke, sudden death, miscarriage, unfaithfulness, losing a parent, moving, or winning the lottery effect the dynamics of a family.  We just know what we've experienced.  Sometimes I feel it consumes us and it scares me.  There are days that I want to have things "normal" - normal marriage, kids, faith, stress, friendships, jobs, evenings, meals... Honey and I would love to go on a date where it's not the whole focus of our conversations or the purpose we are getting out of the house.  Comfortable.  Comfortable doesn't stretch or help us grow, learn, or have the chance to change who we are or how we feel. It makes me uncomfortable with what I see in myself.  It reminds me at times of a childhood experience where I almost drowned - clawing to find my way to the surface, fighting, gasping...  Other times, it reminds me of the joy of watching a young child discover new things and experiences. 

Our family has experienced grace, love, beautiful encouragement and support in many forms.  Thankfully, it takes more than blood to make a family - and we have been surrounded by such a family,  and sometimes God places those we are blood related to, so closely in our lives that are are more like a sibling that have worked beside us in this. God constantly is there.  We know He has never left us and never will.  He knew about this far before we ever were and He knows... He knows when I'm angry, sad, totally overwhelmed, had a good day or felt like I've done battle all day.  He knows when I feel like I can do this or I just want to run away and it's only 9 a.m. and no amount of McDonald's sweet tea will help.  It's what I crave when I feel like detaching and things are out of control. 

I'm really sad about the effect it has on our family dynamics and that our kids are experiencing this first hand. I know this is only a season and we will survive, with much support and love.  Many are praying and ask what they can do, and we honestly don't know.  We are learning as we go.  Wisdom, direction, peace, unity, love, grace, strength, focus, humor...

God, thank you for going before us. Surprise us, and help us to look daily for You.  We can't do this alone

The Yahtzee game

"Come on, let's play Yahtzee"

"But I don't know how," she said with an uncertain and reluctant look on her face.

"It's okay, we'll teach you," I replied as I took her soft hand and lead her to the table where Honey was sitting. "See, here are the dice and we're going to each take one to see who goes first.  Wow, you rolled a five, Honey got a two, and I got a six.  I'll go first and we'll show you what to do."  and our game began slowly as we waited for the others to arrive. She look around, as if trying to find a reason not to play.  Her sister came in the door and watched. 

"Wow! You rolled FIVE 5's!!!  Why don't you roll again to see if you get a Yahtzee?" we encouraged her. She picked up the last dice and let it gently roll out of her hand...  "Wahooo!!!  Look at that!  Another five!  You got a Yahtzee on your first turn"  we cheered!

"But I don't know what to do. What do you do with these things and what is this paper for?"

 "Well, let's count these the dots on the dice and write them down. Each one of these are worth 5.  Can you count by fives with me? I asked.  "Five, ten...."  I finished counting for her and prompted her to write down her Yahtzee score (the counting by fives had nothing to do with her score, but seemed to help).

People started arriving and she looked relieved.  She didn't know who they all were, but it was the interruption she was wanting. She looked at us, as if to ask for permission. We started to pack up the game as Honey commented "This sure is a great time to stop since you're winning!  Let's go see who is here."

This last weekend, Honey and I traveled to a small family reunion for my side of the family and the conversation involved Honey, myself, and my Momma, who so patiently taught me to play Yahtzee growing up. I miss my Momma.

Grandma Susie

Went to see an old friend today and it made me quite sad.

Photo Credit

Before Honey and I were married, I would visit him for a weekend. We would house hunt, visit churches, and work on wedding planning. I always stayed with an older lady whom was friends with Honey's boss' family. She had a quite a story, a beautiful smile, and always called me Honey or Sweetie. Everyone, (and I mean everyone) called her Grandma Susie. She has always been very active, energetic, and spoke her mind, whether you wanted to hear it or not. She greeted everyone, and I think her and her late husband were charter members at church. As each of our kids were born and grew, she attended birthday parties, prayed for them, chewed them out, and gave them hugs. Only still has a Maple Longeberger child's purse basket with $2 bill that Grandma gave her as an infant.

She's not been doing well the last 5 yrs and after a few falls and the onset of Alzheimer's, she now resides in a rehab care facility.Frankly she has been missed my many.  There are those who are so knew they do not know about her.  They have missed  meting and getting to know a great,  caring, and giving woman of God, and now those stories, the people she has impacted are no longer remembered, but they've not forgotten her.

When I arrived, she as found on the front row, listening to a group lead a worship time/church for the residents. We wheeled her down the hallway a bit to not disturb others, I wondered if it were a mistake going there, but I know God had been prompting me to go, and go I did.  As I knelt there talking to her, she sat in her wheel chair, patting my cheek with her gnarled hand, smiling and laughing. "I'm going to see you in church Sunday! I will! I'm tired of missing," she declared! Tears welled up in my eyes. As I kissed her forehead, leaving a lipstick stain behind, she smiled and laughed again. "That's alright Girl, it's ALRIGHT.   Though she no longer remembers me, she clearly remembers Him.

I miss Grandma Susie.