Definition for $100 please

So I can be a bit snarky at times.  Sometimes it's in my brain and I mentally reply to a person who was a bit more than rude. Most of the time it happens when I'm driving.  Sometimes I think people really did get their driver's license from a Cracker Jack Box!!!  Other times,  I think I've mentally replied and, based on the look on the other person's face, it actually came out of my brain via my mouth.  sigh  I did it again! 

Before you Google Snarky, I'll help you out:
SNARKY:  A witty mannerism, personality, or behavior that is a combination of sarcasm and cynicism. Usually accepted as a complimentary term. sarcastic, impertinent, or irreverent in tone or manner

From what I can tell, I'm not the only one that has this issue... Doesn't make it right or acceptable.  I've often told Honey that I could not work as a automotive service advisor. I would be fired for telling a customer that, it is not our fault they didn't plan ahead and waited till the day before their vacation, which they planned 6 months ago, to have their auto problems fixed, new tires, or oil changed.

I've been snarky with my kids.  Their lack of planning is not going to cause an emergency on my side.  They may have inherited some of this from me.

Time and time again, I chide myself and wish I were kinder, sweeter, more Proverbs 31 (but honestly, this woman seems to be a bit beyond my reach), prettier, in better shape, easier to talk to, less distracted, blah, blah, blah...  You fill in the blank. One Sunday, I was talking to a friend and they made a comment about a subject close to my heart and their opinion just about seared my soul.  They weren't meaning to.  Maybe it was a due to a bit of honesty in their observations, but their words were stomping on my heart...

It was a tough week with my mom, school was starting back up, my regular school year kids were back in my care, too little sleep, a bit of loneliness...  Not the best week, but it sure wasn't hopeless!  Getting ready for church on Sunday, my playlist began running through some of my favorites...  Tripping over dogs underfoot, outfit change #4, foundation, some blush, oh shoot... chipped polish on my toes won't go with those comfy sandals...  then the first strum of guitar and beat of drum pulsed through the speakers.... "He Knows My Name" by Francesca Battistelli    Listen  I heard Him say to me.

Spent today in a conversation
In the mirror face to face with
Somebody less than perfect
I wouldn't choose me first if
I was looking for a champion
In fact I'd understand if
You picked everyone before me
But that's just not my story
True to who You are
You saw my heart
And made
Something out of nothing

I don't need my name in lights
I'm famous in my Father's eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I'm not living for applause
I'm already so adored
It's all His stage
He knows my name oh, oh,
He knows my name oh, oh

I'm not meant to just stay quiet
I'm meant to be a lion
I'll roar beyond a song
With every moment that I've got
True to who You are
You saw my heart
And made
Something out of nothing

I don't need my name in lights
I'm famous in my Father's eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I'm not living for applause
I'm already so adored
It's all His stage
He knows my name oh, oh,
He knows my name oh, oh

He calls me chosen, free forgiven, wanted, child of the King,
His forever, held in treasure
I am loved

I don't need my name in lights
I'm famous in my Father's eyes

I don't need my name in lights
I'm famous in my Father's eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I'm not living for applause
I'm already so adored
It's all His stage
He knows my name oh, oh,
He knows my name oh, oh

Listen...  He said again... though I heard her voice begin, picking up where she had just left off.  

                                                   "If We're Honest"

Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do
[Chorus:]
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay 
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross
[Chorus]
It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be

By the time I arrived at church, I was a bit of a mess.  First friend I saw was Miss "I", who visiting with her sweet Momma.  She gave me the biggest hug and then a mug with all these wonderful quips about friends (my favorite one was "Friends become our chosen Family") and I cried.  I cried as her momma hugged me.  I miss her coming here daily, but I am so thrilled for the new opportunity that God has placed their family in and thankful I do get to see them from time to time.  She is a friend of the heart.  As I turned from her, I saw a longtime friend, tears in her eyes approach me.  She just reached out and enveloped me in a hug and let me cry.  The frustrations and self-doubts finally came out.  She told me of her mom's struggle with dementia and her struggle with that, and as we talked,  she listened.  "My brain just can't wrap itself around why I would be good friend material.  We go from work to nursing home, do dinner and go to bed, only to do it all over again.  Late nights that Honey works, schedules.  I have no clue what is going on with anyone or even watch the news."   

Thyme is Honey blog

"Can I ask you something?  Those things that you say to yourself... Would you ever say them to someone else," she asked, understanding deep in her eyes. "No, of course you wouldn't!  Then why do you say them to yourself?"

This week is better.  Her question and challenge has echoed through my head all week.  My head is clearing and  I'm listening...  I'm working toward being less snarky...

 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:12-13

Re-inventing me?

"Comparison is the thief of joy."  Theodore Roosevelt

I'd like to ask a  question:  If you could see the way others see you, what do you think you would look like?  I know, what others think about us shouldn't matter, but deep down, sometimes it does.  Whether you were the kid in school that was bullied and taunted, like me, or maybe an overheard conversation, or the voice in your head that is less than positive.  I struggle with self-esteem.  When my kids were teenagers, I felt dumb - maybe they were really slipping those imaginary "stupid Pills" in my tea, I'm not sure.

Me Net, the Super mom

I have been called Supermom.  Nope, that doesn't fit me at all, though I wouldn't mind having the cool costume and Wonder Woman figure.  I watch other people's kids, but I don't work miracles. There are so many people out there that blow my mind at what they accomplish or what they know.  Yeah, I stopped using my degree a decade ago.

How I really feel & look

Sometimes I think we give the wrong impression by making sure we put our best foot forward. While I would love for everyone to believe that I've got it together and I don't screw up, but I do.  Daily.  My home or family will never be featured in a glossy magazine, and I'm great with that.  Sometimes, I wish we had fewer dust bunnies and more finished things on our do list, or we had a little more updated or cohesive look, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.  Oh, and don't even get me started on the the space that outwardly resembles a garage.  Ugh!   I've often tried to express this, but never found the right words, but this morning, I was reading a friend's blog and I think she said exactly the way I want.  So if you'll follow the link to Diary of a Quilter, you'll see that it's "not always pretty and perfect."

So this week, let's allow others to see the not so pretty and perfect and maybe, just maybe, you'll find less pressure on yourself, and more bunnies on the ceiling fan. It will be okay.   

"You can't live a positive life with a negative mind." 

Life unexpected

I was reading this blog post yesterday  by  Beth Webb Hart at Southern Belle View,  (it's lengthy) and pondered some of the unexpected events we've had in our personal lives.  

This summer, it seems like it's been one thing after another and still we're scrambling for footing in the seeming chaos.  It's strange.  Sometimes it takes months, years or even a decade before we really realize why events happened, and then sometimes, in a short summer, it all cascades like a roaring waterfall. Wave after wave leaves one gulping for relief, but seeing His reasons quickly. It's not always the road that we might have chosen, but then I think of what we would have missed out on. Our waterfalls of chaos probably really are not that bad, really. There are so many worse things going on around us, to others, so I really shouldn't complain.  I keep telling myself, it's not about me, stop focusing on myself (I'm not really good at this).   It's those times where you ask God to just "write it down in black and white" because you're I'm not good at discernment or guessing (or patience).  Once we prayed for seven months (not a horribly long time) for a particular answer, asking God to show us in black and white, and He did sixteen months later with the birth of our third child. We still shake our head in wonder when we think how many years BEFORE we even started praying about this, that He was setting things in motion. 


At the time of each event, we couldn't see how it was going to possibly work to the good, but years down the road, we were able to see how God was working through the circumstances and events to His good.  I honestly have handled some poorly and others better, but it's the one where we felt our hearts shatter, that was the hardest (at the time) for me. It took me quite a while to work through it.  A lot of questioning, shutting myself off from others - not the best moments of motherhood or wife-hood (I know, it's not really a word). If I could go back and redo a moment in time, it would be those painful years.

 

God does seem to move –sometimes - in ways we don’t expect or plan.  In ways that run contrary to our fervent prayers.  In ways that run contrary to the lives of those around us.  It’s how we react to the unexpected, and to the painful moments that determines whether or not we will accept our name on His dance card or turn our backs to his outstretched hands and sulk.

He’s awfully creative and resourceful and has been known to send  a fish to swallow someone whole in order for His will to be done, in order for his people to join Him in the good work of redeeming a lost world, in order for every living soul to have the chance to move toward His outstretched arms.

 

If we refuse to go along because it doesn’t match our vision, where does that leave us? 

Priest Henri Nouwen who lived the last years of his life in a Christian community of mentally and physically disabled people known as Daybreak in Toronto, Canada, writes this about life’s unexpected turns, especially the ones that cause us pain:

“Mourning makes us poor; it powerfully reminds us of our smallness.  But it is precisely here, in that pain or poverty or awkwardness, that the Dancer invites us to rise up and take the first steps.  For in our suffering, not apart from it, Jesus enters our sadness, takes us by the hand, pulls us gently up to stand, an invites us to dance.  We find the way to pray, as the psalmist did, ‘You have turned my mourning into dancing’ (Psalm 30:11), because at the center of our grief we find the grace of God.

As we dance, we realize that we don’t have to stay on the little spot of our grief, but can step beyond it.  We stop centering our lives on ourselves.  We pull others along with us and invite them into the larger dance.  We learn to make room for others – and the Gracious Other in our midst.  And when we become present to God and God’s people, we find our lives richer.  We come to know that all the world is our dance floor.  Our steps grow lighter because God has called out others to dance as well.”

Shakespeare said all the world’s a stage, but maybe it’s a dance floor, after all.  So let’s put on our dancing shoes, take our partner’s Almighty Hand and get twirling!

Do I have it all together now?  Hardly!  I've had many character building moments and have many more to come.  Have you had those moments that have just knocked you off your feet, wondering how in the world it would turn out for the good?  How did you handle it?  How did it turn out to be a blessing or are you still waiting for reason for the event?


** While I've not read anything by Henri Nouwen, I've added this book to my reading list.  

ǝʌoɹƃ ǝɥʇ oʇuı ƃuıʇʇǝƃ: Entitlement or blessings

Have you had any major changes in your life lately? Have they thrown you for a loop? Maybe thrown schedules off. Has it ever thrown your corner of the world upside down? 

Two and years ago (gee I'm a slow learner) I agreed to take in a young boy to home school. Neglect from his mother, while his father was stationed overseas, caused him to miss 2 years of schooling (I can't even begin to explain this one).  It's not been easy.  It's been stressful, sometimes irritating, many times mentally and physically exhausting, and I've been resentful at times.  Not a great attitude.  I told Youngest a few weeks ago that "W" is a mission field that God has placed us in, and we need to adopt and accept the mission He has placed us in.  It's not the mission field I thought I would be in, but how many of us are where WE planned we would be.  I'll be the first to tell you that special education was not my specialty when I went for my teaching degree, but I feel I've researched enough to received an addition to my original degree. Thankfully, after some extensive testing at a special facility, we are getting some answers.  Most of them have confirmed some suspicions that I've been noting, and more testing tomorrow will give us further answers.  I'm still not sure about the direction to go or if I'm heading in the right direction, but I'm still searching. What expectations should I have, what is he really capable of, how far do I go in modifications, have I done all I can or should...

 ¹⁴I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
 ¹⁵Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you;
 ¹⁶however, let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained. 

Philippians 3:14-16

"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”
- William James

A little over five months ago, I agreed to watch a "H" for a family we've known for 10 yrs.  It has sure put a new sense of busyness to our house.  I wasn't pursuing adding another little one and it has been an adjustment.  The Princess has been with us for two years and I must confess that we've been spoiled by her - easy nap time (read - no rocking).  This new little one LOVES to be rocked and held, pretty much all the time, and I nor Only, have time.  I was actually getting to the point of despair - trying to get  it all done was suddenly an impossible place to be.  I would break off from doing school to rock "H", taking sometimes a whole hour, only for her to wake up within 15-20 minutes after putting her down, leaving me to repeat the process...  I started dreading my alarm clock and seeing car lights illuminating the kitchen window. It's like working three jobs and I was fast loosing it.

The Princess' sweet momma (please read at the bottom for a urgent prayer request), Only, and I were talking one afternoon and it became clear.  During Christmas break, "H" and I came to an understanding and now she goes down for naps by herself, she sleeps for for two hours at a time, and wakes up happy.  We started teaching her simple signs (eat, drink, more) and this has been a blessing as well.  I'm so thankful that God gave me such a beautiful daughter with a spirit of love, kindness, and giving, that Honey is so understanding, that Youngest is able to be independent in some of his studies. Sometimes when Oldest gets home, he'll hold "H" and play with her.

One of the last sermons that Pastor Paul shared with us was about seeing the blessing in where we were.  It may not be the situation we thought we would be in or wish for.

"... rejoice in all the good things that the Lord your God has given to your household."  Deuteronomy 26:11 

Does God need the best of the best from us? How about our "first fruits"?  This is not because God NEEDS our offerings, but that we can remember to be thankful for what He has done.  I need to give so that I can be thankful for what He has given me."   When we are not thankful, blessings become entitlements." Rejoicing in all the Lord has done for us....  Almost everything that starts out as a blessing, when we lose our thankfulness for that blessing, turns into an entitlement (thinking we deserve it).... 

He went on to say (my paraphrase version) What if our job, the cars, homes, bills, frustrations in life, instead of an entitlement mentality, we remember to be thankful instead of treating it as a curse.  We're looking forward to this year as strive to see the blessings in our circumstances.  God has provided three jobs for me to do at home, so that I may stay home while our kids are school age.  I confess that I'm not always thankful for the blessing God has given us: Medical bills, high electric bill, the constant stream of activities, a sink full of dirty dishes,  taking care of two little ones and trying to teach a special needs child... What this translate as - we have a home and all it's comforts, health care facilities when we need them, jobs, dirty dishes represent the food that God has provided... Does this mean I see everything with rose colored glasses?  Not hardly, but I'm trying to see things a little differently.

Would you join me, keep me accountable, to keep those blessings from becoming entitlements?  Do you have some blessings that you can share?




Prayer Request: The Princess' Daddy, Kevin, is having surgery to remove a tumor from his hand at 5:30 a.m. Thursday.  There are many complications and situations that could arise with where it is.  Please be praying for peace for her family and Momma, for the two surgeons performing the surgery, and those caring for him, and direction.  My personal prayer would be that everything goes smoothly with no complications or nerves cut that would leave him with a paralysis of his arm (he's a band director and trumpet player), and that it would not be cancerous.

Just need someone to listen

"These are the days that they don't tell you about when you dream of being a mom.  

The days that make you want to run screaming from the house, just so you don't "lose it" on the kids

I guess it doesn't really matter what events occurred to drive me to this point

But today, I feel a desperation to get away from it..."  It is ironic that the VERY thing you pray for, the ability to conceive and delivery those previous babies, will someday drive you to do things you never would have dream of...

These are the words I wrote last week after two very hard weeks.  It was the day that wrote a long post about what was going on and then deleted it.  I was sure it would have tear stains all over the post.  Instead I called my dear SIL in TX.   Her only question (in jest) was: 

"okay, if something happens to you, do you still have it in your will that we get custody of the kids?" 

 "Yes," I replied...

"Have you ever thought about updating it!!!"

We had a good laugh about that one.  I'm so thankful that she didn't hang up on me, but listened and encouraged, because I needed it so much. 

I do want to share this little gem of picture... Princess Izzy and Lady Belle have been sharing breakfast in the mornings when I'm not looking... We've found that Lady doesn't like green beans, most fruits, but is a fan of Apple Jacks and chicken nuggets.  Wonder if they have Weight Watchers for Dogs!

One last thought before I stumble off to bed is from a friend from OK City gave me a very to hold on to. Psalm 136: 23-26

God remembered us when we were  down,                                 
      His love never quits.
   Rescued us from the trampling boot,
      His love never quits.
   Takes care of everyone in time of need.
      His love never quits.
   Thank God, who did it all!
      His love never quit

  Palms91:14-16   

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
      "I'll get you out of any trouble.
   I'll give you the best of care
      if you'll only get to know and trust me.
   Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
      I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
   I'll give you a long life,
      give you a long drink of salvation!"

Tonight, or tomorrow, as I'm waking and starting my day may I be reminded of the above verse, and my loving Daddy in Heaven truly loves this worn down momma who is waiting for her Rescuer.  That He is stronger, more knowledgeable, more calm, more understanding, and He's not tired - He stays up all night waiting and watching His children - especially when they are in need. Is He hovering every close to us, watching our breaths, our mumbling in sleep, holding pieces the mumbled mass of our tortured dreams, hold them in His mighty hand and rub them, much like a delicate herb, whose frangrance now floats on the wind... As we feel those things leave our tortured bodies and minds, may we find that peace that He hold for us, that undeniable drink of salvation that last a lifetime...

Here are some prayer request:
1.  Youngest: starting new upped dose for his ADHD.  We are seeing some OCD personality types emerging and now we are dealing with that he is calming down enough to think and realize some things.This is all so new.  His whole life has been a struggle for survival, then a struggle to learn, to talk, eat, walk and run. I just don't want him to struggle his whole life because of this.  He's such a smart 11 yr. old!

2.  Teenagers... I know we have great kids, but sometimes, we have a week, that is just a struggle to understand, to parent, to encourage, to pin them down for answers on upcoming events... Just fill in the blank here if you have teens...


Thank you so much for listening today.. I do love my children dearly and have cried many tears over then this past week.  I'm not great at hiding my emotions from my family, but we have yet to talk. I think I'll head to bed and pray over this some more...Meanwhile I'll dream of snuggle time with Princess Izzy.

Mercy and Grace

Ever had one of THOSE days???

- Yesterday -

With only 4 hours of sleep

Dear Aunt passes away after long battle with Leukemia

waking with a headache

funeral is Friday - in KS

locking my keys in my car

sobbing in the bread aisle

having hubby rescue me...

laundry is piling up

dear son needs library books for research paper

(for English class on Thursday)

and we don't have a library card where the books are

car refuses to start last night...

Yesterday I was reminded how quickly I let the circumstances pull me down when I'm tired and things just don't go the way I think they should.

I have a book that I love to read over and over: Espresso for Your Spirit: Hope and Humor for Pooped Out Parents by Pam Vredevelt. Chapter 5, Ruts starts out with Hebrews 4:16:

16Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Pam talkes about getting out of the Slump Syndrome with Grace. The slump may be a way of our body is telling us we need to slow down, regroup and get some restoration.

"We give ourselves grace when we refuse to expect more from ourselves than we can possibly deliver. We give ourselves grace when we grant ourselves permission to rest, sleep, play, take a break, and get alone with God. A few minutes of quiet interaction with God can get us out of a rut much faster than striving, trying harder, and forcing ourselves into overdrive."

So what am I to do? I am looking for those blessing when I'm in a rut.

God sent me gentle reminders throughout the day that, even though it was rough.

Unexpected friend to calm me down

while waiting for hubby to arrive on his "white horse" to rescue me;

Dear aunt is no long in pain and safe in Jesus arms;

Dear friend lends me library card to check out books;

dear friends call to check on me

friends help jump car so I could get home

Dear hubby takes care of stressed wife

I smelled the laundry! My nose if semiworking!

Young son worked hard at doing school

gentle rain

gentle hugs

Thank you God for your Grace and blessings in the midst of a meltdown. Thank you for your reminders that You are there - You never left, but were waiting... waiting for me with arms open wide, full of grace and mercy.

Self-imposed punishment of a young adventurer

With tears in his red-rimmed eyes, he trudged into my room, like a silent martyr, placed his treasured possessions on my bed and left. I glanced over to see what he placed in the midst of the mound of ever-growing laundry (because at this age, ALL possessions are treasured).
"Connor, can you come here for a moment and explain this to me?"

Those of you that know my youngest son, Connor, know that his most prize possessions are his Indiana Jones fedora, his rope (aka the whip), and his Groucho Marx glasses/nose (I think he forgot the Bubba teeth).

Eyes still brimming with tears and sorrow etched on his face, he explained that he was putting himself on restriction because he got in an skirmish with Claire. With the most serious look on his 9 year old face he continued - "I have also grounded myself from TV, the PS2, the computer, and playing with LEGOS for a week." I listened in amazement. Where has this child been my whole life? Is this really MY child?

Moments later I had to laugh when he brought in his brown woven belt and asked "if it was a good one to receive the whipping with". Mind you, I've never used a belt to spank my kids, but a wooden spoon is my choice. To which he proceeded to try to "whip" the belt back over his shoulder in hopes of getting close to his small, but padded hiney. I have to tell you, I've never seen anything like him or this moment before. My other two children have NEVER asked for punishment nor attempted to SPANK themselves!!! I was so tempted to laugh, but how could I? This child of mine, teetered on the brink, and I could not push him over with such disrespect of his thoughts. How could I dare respond? I gathered that precious boy in my arms and gave him a hug, to which he gave me one of those butterfly kisses on my cheek. I do not understand this child, but I love him yet, still more.

Last night, as I was telling him goodnight, his small voice broke the darkness with a question - "Mom, tomorrow night at 2:42, when we have game night, will I be able to play games?"

I have been so astounded by this seemingly simple act. How many times have I messed up (okay I'm not asking you to write in with a list of these) and not taken it to my Father, but waited until He had to discipline me? Better yet, I'm so thankful that God uses my children to remind me that though it feels like I've really blown it and cringe, waiting for the punishment, I rather feel His gentle arms around me, comforting me, and extending the hand of Grace.

Now if I may borrow from Paul Harvey for the rest of the story: If you happen to drive by my house today, I'm sure you will see my dear Connor, with his rope and fedora, running through the yard or swinging from the basketball goal in some amazing adventure, living in Grace.

Matthew 18:3 (New American Standard Bible)
3and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Psalm 103:13 (New American Standard Bible)
13Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.

Romans 6:14 For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

Websters defines grace as: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency e: a temporary exemption