Time and Memories move in two directions

"Time moves in one direction, memory moves in another." -William Gibson

Some of my earliest memories are flashes of the late 60's and muted colors- greens, reds, a friendly Irish setter, snow (lots of snow),  a lighthouse, and a friend who wore an eye patch.

Pretty random, but all of those memories have one thing in common - my Mom.  She was the one that built a snow igloo in Boston and giggled with us as we froze, took us to the lighthouse and romped with us on the Massachusetts shoreline after exploring Plymouth and the MayFlower.  She was not afraid to be silly, take us on adventures, chew us out, or make things fun.  She worked hard to make sure we knew how to do chores, do our best in school, be responsible for our decision and actions, and learn about Jesus.  She taught me how to fly kites, fish, hunt for pheasants (yes, with a gun), make things that we couldn't afford, save for what we wanted or needed, and know that we were loved.

In 2009, we began seeing changes in Mom and eventually, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.  On October 20, 2016, my Mom changed her residence from earth to Heaven, and is forever free from the horrible disease that robbed her in so many ways.

Mom would have been so horrified to know how the Alzheimer's had left her.  I know that's why she tried to hide it so long from us.  She learned early in life to be independent, and I feel she knew something wasn't right. She knew things were changing.  She would have mourned

Momma and Sister

Missing her grandchildren getting married, and having babies of their own.

• Not being close to Sister and the closeness they shared. 
• Not being in her own home, church, and with her friends
• Taking care of "her birds" and helping others like she did. 

In the midst of all this, I knew I was losing the Mom I always had, but I didn't want others to think less of Mom or forget who she was.  I didn't want the Alzheimer's to define her or us.  It was just a final speed bump and challenge that she would experience and endure. There are a few things I am thankful for during these last few years:

• For the first time, we spent an incredible amount of time together that we normally would not have had.  It wasn't easy, but we did have some laughter, many tears, challenges, and memories.  It was a strange, but rare gift I am so thankful for.  
• Momma would not remember all the hurts, frustrations, anxiety, the health issues it presented, nor how it made her behave.  
• It brought our family closer through the challenges and gave us experiences that helped us to empathize with others walking through this journey. 

Our family has been "fortunate" that we have not experienced grief and loss, but we knew that it was coming.  With Mom, I grieved with each visit and memory that would pop up, and with her disease, there is a dual grieving time and I didn't quite understand that completely, but I live it almost daily.  

It's in the still of the night, when all other distractions of the day, are quiet, that the only thing moving is my brain.  It's then that the memories and pictures start playing in technicolor, and somehow, my brain starts adding to those memories. It doesn't matter how tightly I close my eyes or try to think of nothing, they rush at me like waves on the beach, constant, inching closer and closer, till I'm left with a restlessness that is resolved only by filling the void with quiet nighttime distractions.

I wanted to share with you what I shared with family and friends at Mom's celebration service following her death. It is about things I learned from Mom, but I wish I had added one more paragraph - what I learned from Mom about Faith and God, but my brain was attempting to put a whole life into five minutes, and I just couldn't do it. Mom would not have liked all the attention and people talking about what a great person she was.  But we did. We tried to honor Mom during her service, so Elvis, Alan Jackson, and Cat Stevens "came" to sing, and at Mom's graveside service we shot off fireworks.  Yep!  Right there in the cemetery we lit her favorite "One Bad Mother" and the 100 Missile shots. I think she would have been delighted, but she would have made sure we picked up every bit of trash because that's how she was.

Mom taught me a lot of lessons growing up.  They weren’t through lectures or even those switches I had to cut from the tree out back, but they were through daily life.  riding a bike down a dusty gravel road, learning to balance without holding on to the handle bars while clapping and singing about Peter and John healing a lame man.

“If you fall off, you get back on and don’t give up.”  This is what my mom told my 8-year-old self when my new birthday gift, a palomino, decided to bolt and I didn’t have my feet in the stirrups. When she finally caught up with us 5 blocks later, I was shaking and couldn’t wait to get off that horse… But she wouldn’t let me and made me ride that horse, with corrected stirrups, all the way home.  We later had the best memories riding our horses in the country.  She didn’t once tell me I couldn’t break or train my colt, but encouraged me to work every day, sharing what she knew from growing up on the farm, showing and checking to make sure I wasn’t missing any important steps.

Don’t quit… Mom never let me quit anything, just because it was hard or I lost interest. The first day of college was always the hardest for me, and exactly three times, I called her from the payphone, begging her to come get me and let me come back home.  She would drive over two hours to the college, help me settle in and then drive all the way back home.

Be frugal and Creative – She had many interest - wood working, crafting, taking care of wildlife birds, and taking care of others. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up, but from the time I was a baby, mom created clothing for me until the time I married.  Side-by-side, she taught me to read patterns, make short cuts, and pattern alteration. Hands on learning at it’s best!  When I was growing up, she created the cutest and fun birthday cakes that looked so professional. This only frustrated me when I attempted to do the same for my children and they ended up looking like something a child would do.

Plan and know!!!  She was a planner… She would research anything she wanted to purchase, pros and cons, or plan to do.   That is something I inherited from her.  She always knew the day of the month of the year that she would pay off any bill or save for what she needed.  Sometimes I think that may have been a curse she tossed my direction.   As the sign changer for TCC, she prided herself at not using the same saying more than once.

Life is an adventure – Have fun and laugh!   We used to play tons of games growing up, and whether it was Candy Land, Gin Rummy, or Yahtzee, she never went easy on me and let me win.  A win against her was earned!  When my brother graduated from college, she drove to Joplin to stay with me so we could go to his graduation.  The night before the ceremony, she decided she wanted to TeePee and fork his yard. It was a ton of fun to sneak over there and decorate, but a little instruction on holding on to the end of the roll when you throw it was needed.  She loved being silly, holidays with the family and making a big deal of accomplishments, small or large, but she didn’t like the focus to be on herself.

 Grandkids – She was an awesome grandma and loved seeing them when she could, creating memories and traditions as she went.  We didn’t always see eye-to-eye on how she wanted to spoil them, but she loved them like crazy.  From creating giant bubble solutions, teaching them to drive stick-shift, holding tea-parties, shooting off works, chase fire-flies, sticking a coffee packet on her nose to get the kids to laugh, listening to them play their musical instruments together, or always having waffles with homemade blueberry syrup when we stay with her.  

I would also like to share what my sweet cousin and friend, Raine, wrote,  because she shared her heart and memories from a different perspective.

Many family gatherings were spent at Aunt Betty’s.  As a young child, I was always excited to go to Niotaze to spend time with my many cousins, Aunt’s, Uncle’s and Grandparents.    Since Aunt Betty lived right across the road from my Grandparents, it was always a bonus because I would get to see Aunt Betty, Lynnet and Bryan every time I would visit my Grandparents.   After my Grandparents passed, Aunt Betty’s house became the place for all the family gatherings.    At Easter, the cousins would gather to hunt Easter eggs in her yard; a tradition that continued with the birth of her grandchildren and great nieces and nephews.    A yard that was always neatly manicured, adorned with beautiful Japanese Maple trees around her patio to the peach trees and grapevines growing on the east of her property and a large garden to the south.   

4^th of July was always spent at Aunt Betty’s – A family tradition that my children always looked forward to attending.   It seemed each year, the fireworks show be better than the year before.   Because 4^th of July was her favorite holiday, she saved money just to go shopping at Jakes in Coffeyville with her sister Jerre, my Mom,  carrying the list of which fireworks were her favorite -  A list that was created from the previous year.   You see, there was a rule we had to follow.  Us kids gradually learned the requirements it took to be able to light ANY of the fireworks with Aunt Betty’s satisfaction and for people that knew the rules, we would secretly laugh at the ones that broke the rules or were unaware of the rules.   1.) You first had to announce the name of the firework you were getting ready to light.   2) You also had to make sure she heard the name of the item that was going to be lit.  3.) You then had to make sure she had time to write it down.     THEN she would way ‘OK!  I’m ready!”    Afterwards, she would give the item a rating as to whether it was worthy of being part of next year’s fireworks show!    New comers to the gatherings, such as friends, or impatient and anxious teenagers that wanted to hurry and shoot off some fireworks, were often scolded for not announcing what was being lit and sometimes had to retrieve the already shot item and try to read the name of firework.   Words like “Wow!”  “Alright!” and even “That was a dud!  I’m marking that off the list!”  were the comments she would make! Aunt Betty was serious about her fireworks and we all were thankful to be able to share this love with her.   A love which resulted in creating memories with three generations of family.

When I was 12, I was in the hospital because I broke my leg and Aunt Betty came to sit with me.  The following year, I had my tonsils removed and because of some complications, I didn’t go home right away and again, Aunt Betty came to sit with me.  At one of the visits she cheerfully stated “I brought you something from home that is much softer than anything you have here!”  I look over to see her pulling a roll of toilet paper out of her bag!  She always had a way of making me laugh!   Always a caring heart.   

At Thanksgiving she always made her famous pumpkin pies adorned with a crust leaf in the center and a cranberry dish that was always in the same white stemmed milk glass bowl.    She always remembered our birthdays, sending a card in the mail, being there for my children’s first birthday, graduations and wedding.    Aunt Betty was a stranger to no one, always being fascinated or interested with the people around her and making them comfortable.   She worked hard for everything she had, took pride in her children and grandchildren and loved life being in the outdoors.   She will be greatly missed by many and I can imagine that when she saw Heaven the first time, she said her famous word “WOW!” 

Lynnet

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison

Grandma Wilson's Grilled cheese and soup

White chipped bowls on the counter sat beside the two empty cans of Campbells Tomato Soup. The soup, simmering on the glowing flame of Grandma Wilson's  worn stove in a sturdy, yet aged silver sauce pan.  

Taking out six slices of Wonder Bread and the fresh colby cheese, cut fresh that morning at the Post Office/General Store, she liberally applied a layer of Oleo on each piece before asking us to assemble the sandwiches. Grandma puttered into the breakfast room to her toaster oven, rattling the toaster oven tray as she arranged the slices of bread.  That toaster made the best toast!!!  Watching in anticipation, we stared in wonder as the bread turned from white to golden brown - right before our eyes!  

After pouring a bit of creamy tomato soup in our waiting bowls, she added a pat of fresh butter, and a shake or two of salt and pepper.  How I enjoyed dipping my grilled cheese sandwich into my bowl of soup.  

Retro Holiday Oven Toaster just like my grandma's

Closing my eyes,  I can still see her worn apron tied around her plump waist. Her black, graying hair up in pin curlers, and the love in her eyes.  She was the epitome of how I thought all grandmas should be and were.  

Grandma Susie

Went to see an old friend today and it made me quite sad.

Photo Credit

Before Honey and I were married, I would visit him for a weekend. We would house hunt, visit churches, and work on wedding planning. I always stayed with an older lady whom was friends with Honey's boss' family. She had a quite a story, a beautiful smile, and always called me Honey or Sweetie. Everyone, (and I mean everyone) called her Grandma Susie. She has always been very active, energetic, and spoke her mind, whether you wanted to hear it or not. She greeted everyone, and I think her and her late husband were charter members at church. As each of our kids were born and grew, she attended birthday parties, prayed for them, chewed them out, and gave them hugs. Only still has a Maple Longeberger child's purse basket with $2 bill that Grandma gave her as an infant.

She's not been doing well the last 5 yrs and after a few falls and the onset of Alzheimer's, she now resides in a rehab care facility.Frankly she has been missed my many.  There are those who are so knew they do not know about her.  They have missed  meting and getting to know a great,  caring, and giving woman of God, and now those stories, the people she has impacted are no longer remembered, but they've not forgotten her.

When I arrived, she as found on the front row, listening to a group lead a worship time/church for the residents. We wheeled her down the hallway a bit to not disturb others, I wondered if it were a mistake going there, but I know God had been prompting me to go, and go I did.  As I knelt there talking to her, she sat in her wheel chair, patting my cheek with her gnarled hand, smiling and laughing. "I'm going to see you in church Sunday! I will! I'm tired of missing," she declared! Tears welled up in my eyes. As I kissed her forehead, leaving a lipstick stain behind, she smiled and laughed again. "That's alright Girl, it's ALRIGHT.   Though she no longer remembers me, she clearly remembers Him.

I miss Grandma Susie. 

Works for Me Wednesday: Unique Mother's Day Cards

Every year I search for something different or unique to do for Mother's day for Honey's mom and my mom as well.  I mean, I always get them a corsage, made from three white or yellow daises (to represent each of our three kids), but I really hate standing in the card aisle of Walmart of Hallmark picking out cards for each of them.

This year, I found the solution.  When we were researching where to order Oldest's Graduation Pictures, we found Shutterfly and loved our experience with them.  Picture quality was crisp and just the way we wanted them.  So when I started thinking of finding time run to the store, I was thrilled to get an email for a free PERSONALIZED greeting card from Shutterfly by using the code MOMCARD at checkout (this deal expires on April 28th). After personalizing both cards and ordering them, I was thrilled to have only spent a whopping $4.40!!!  YES!!!   

5x7 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

What do you think?  This Works for Me!  

If you want to check out what other's found works for them, Head on over to Works for Me!

Flour on my Face

Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousand of miles

and all the years you have lived. Helen Keller

When I was growing up, I used to watch my grandmother make homemade chicken and noodles, bread, and other goodies. My earliest memory was when I could barely see over the table. Sometimes when she wasn't looking I would snatch a small piece of egg noodle from the mass as they were drying on the table. I remember when I was in Jr. High I asked her for her dinner roll recipe. She just looked at me like I'd just asked to her fly to the moon. "Child, I don't have it written down. I just take a handful or two of flour, a pinch of salt, some ..." I watched in wonder. She wrote it down approximately what she thought. I've never had the nerve to use her recipe yet. Both of my grandmothers were excellent cooks. My grandmother Wilson would get distracted and forget to take the pie out until it was almost burnt. "Lauwdy! My pie's a burnin! Run and open the doors!" she would say. I can relate to that! My most precious memories of them took place in the kitchen. If you were to visit my kitchen today, you would see the apron she wore most sitting on a shelf and some of her tools (egg beater, grater, meat tenderizer, etc.) scattered around. I guess something I aspired to do when I was younger, was to be a good cook. I've come a long way from when we were first married, but I'm always on the prowl for something new or maybe improved on what recipe I have. My poor husband just moans: "Can't you just fix it like you did last time? Can't you just write it down or use the recipe written?" I love to cook and more importantly I want my children to know how to cook and bake. I love to "wow" my kids and encourage my kids to try cooking. I've had all my kids in the kitchen with me at different time helping me cook and the older two can successfully prepare meal by themselves. The youngest love to help me make hamburger buns or pizza dough. I must say I love cooking and baking. I used to have a bread machine - back in the 90's (the late 1990s not the 1890s!), but found I loved getting my hands in the dough, feeling the texture change and the smoothness evolve as I knead the dough. I love the smell of the bread or dish as it permeates through the house and sometimes you can even smell it outside if the windows are open. A few months ago, a friend from church gave me her bread machine to use and I used it once before giving it back. I missed the feel of the bread while I kneaded. I felt cheated by letting the machine do it for me. A few months ago I had to laugh when I made chicken tortellini dish and bought the tortellini instead of making it from scratch. My youngest decided (before he tried it) that he didn't like it because it wasn't from scratch! O Bother! Next time I'll just throw flour on my face and hide the package! Maybe I should have scattered a few chicken feathers around the kitchen and let them think I killed the chicken as well! I remember when we were first married I would call my mom in Kansas or Dave's mom for a recipe and just hope that I could make it taste somewhere close to theirs. I remember spending an hour or so copying their recipes when we would visit. I don't use their recipes much now, but have filed them for safe keeping. Something that I started doing for my children a few years ago was to record my children and family's favorite recipes in a Word document on my computer. It has grown steadily through the years and from time to time the kids will ask: "Mom, this is great! Are you going to put it in our Recipe Book?" Someday, in the not so distant future, I'll have to print that book and give it to them as they leave the house. Who then will I cook for? Who then will I "wow" and experiment on? Not my meat and potato hubby! No, I guess we'll have to start inviting people over for dinner. Okay, now before you think I'm a Martha Stewart or Betty Homemaker, I don't cook full course meals everyday, nor do I know how to decorate. My home will never grace any part of a decorating magazine nor will my cooking secure a spot on Food Network. If you come to my house be prepared for a not so spotless floor, dust on the shelf, and flour on my face.

If you come to see us, come any time, if you come to see my house, please make an appointment! When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. ~Laiko Bahrs